I am convinced that there will never be a Tuesday 

that the first thought I have as I rise is, “today my Addy would be ….”

Surely I will be 90 and thinking, “my Addalyn would be 3,225 weeks old.”

Today, she would be 23 weeks old.

My heart still aches. It hurts, it burns, and it longs for my beloved daughter.

Tonight, I watched the recording of Addy’s memorial service.

Is that strange? Perhaps

Is it healthy? I have no idea.

Is it some part of the blessed grief cycle?  Probably

Is it needed for this grieving momma? I believe so.

To hear Jim beautifully reflect on Addalyn's precious life, or to hear Michael sing “All Of Me,” or to hear letters written to Addy after we had the opportunity to meet her, or to see her life displayed in pictures…it is all needed by this momma...even though it hurts. Her life may have been limited but it will be my life's work to ensure that she is never forgotten. 

I wept as I remembered back to that day…the day she was born and the day she passed and the days to follow after I parted with what made my heart whole.

It was and will forever be one of the very best and the very worst days of my life.

I have been forever changed.

To the moon and back my beloved daughter. 

And so it begins...

August 2, 2012

 I had my very first positive pregnancy test one year ago today.

I had been feeling tired at work so my dear friend Casie convinced me to take a test. 
I took it more as a way to prove her intuition that I was pregnant wrong.

This was the series of text messages that followed... 

Me:

Negative

(I included a picture of the test for Casie's viewing pleasure)

Casie:

I see a slight pink line! Are you sure?

Me: 

The second line is so faint that I think it is negative.

Casie:

Ok, I just showed Jason the test and before I said anything I asked what he thought.

He goes, "oh yeah there are two lines!" 
YOU ARE PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!

And just like that, I was a momma.

I will never forget the overwhelming amount of joy that I felt in that moment. 
Joy and disbelief...I took a test on the 3rd, 4th, and the 14th just to be 100% certain!

There are life alternating dates that will be ingrained into my memory forever and I know it will be difficult as those dates resurface this year. What I have certainly learned through the grief process is that life does not stop, it will not even slow down, it just keeps on going whether you are ready or not. 

...........................

To the moon and back my precious Addalyn.

Momma loves you and misses you beyond words.