Postpartum Appointment

Today was my 6 week postpartum appointment. 

I will give you one guess of what happened while I was there...

Waiting in the waiting room...I cried

The nurse gave me a hug and told me how sad she was for me...I cried

My OB walked into the room...I cried

I cried through the whole appointment. 

I cried through the whole appointment, but I made it, tears and all.

I cannot say enough good things about my OB, it was comforting to see her again. 

In the weeks prior to Addy's birth, Nate and I had very hard conversations with her. She walked us through so many situations to help us make the most educated decisions given our situation. She helped us carefully make a birth plan and although she wasn't there for the delivery, we knew our desires. There were no impulsive decisions. We knew the plan and the delivering OB knew our plan because we had spent weeks talking through everything with our OB. 

 

While we wish the prognosis would have been different for our Addy,

 we are so grateful that we are without regrets regarding all the decisions we had to make. 

Nights are so hard...

My Addy would be 5 weeks old today.

 

Will there come a time when a Tuesday passes without me waking up thinking about how many weeks have lapsed since I saw Addy's face, since I kissed her precious little lips, or since I held her tight and told her that I love her? 

Will my heart heal without ever being whole again?

I lay in bed at night and feel a burn in my chest.

My Addy was a night owl and when I was pregnant, Nate would wrap his arms around me and hold tight to my tummy. When he would feel her wiggle, he would ask if I could feel her too. I felt her every move. 

Now I lay in bed at night...after having tried to wear myself out throughout the day...and instead of feeling Addy, I feel a burn in my chest. 

It's the ache of my broken heart.

Due Date:

...April 18, 2013...

Today is Addalyn Lane's official due date.

I didn't anticipate that Addy would be born today. 

Even without her prognosis, the likelihood that she would be born on her exact due date is pretty rare. Nonetheless, it is a date that is engrained within me. I have had today circled on my calendar since August with "40 Weeks!" written in.

Anticipating that today would be a difficult day, we opted to celebrate.

To the moon and back my precious Addy.

Is...

Everyone has a story. 

Some are stories of trials, some of triumph.  

4 years ago while shadowing a nurse, he told me his heartbreaking story. 

It is a story I have never forgotten. 

He told me how he and his wife had unexpectedly lost their daughter during her delivery. I was so touched to hear him share.

 I remember asking, "was she your first born?" 

Without hesitation he responded, "she is my first born." 

I never forgot his words. 
Oh, how they resonate with me now.

 Addy is my firstborn child.

Grateful

My heart is broken and my spirit is weary but amidst my mourning, 
 I will be forever grateful...

...for my husband who was so engaged and dedicated to our pregnancy and our daughter. I can count on one hand the number of appointments that he missed and that is impressive since we probably had close to 30 appointments. Together, we tried to make the most of our pregnancy, vowed to ensure our daughter felt loved, had awkward and difficult conversations to make sure all plans were in place, and made decisions regardless of the effect that it would have on us to do what was best for our daughter. He rubbed my belly, loved to feel his daughter wiggle, held me tight when the weight of the world was too much, held my hand as his daughter made her entrance and exit from this world, and embraces my tears as together we mourn. One of my favorite memories from the day Addalyn was born was looking over and seeing Nate comfortably holding his daughter with tears running down his cheeks as he read to her one of our most favorite books. It was a real moment and it was so very precious. He is an amazing daddy.

...that we got to meet our daughter. There were so many unknowns throughout our journey. The risk of miscarriage was high and we were presented with the option of termination so many times but we got to meet our precious Addy. While her time with us was short, she opened her eyes and saw us, held tight to Nate's finger, and Nate put his hand over her little heart just so he could feel it beating. Her time with us was so peaceful and regardless of how difficult our journey was, I would do it all over for that precious time with our very precious daughter. 

...that our night nurse was so engaged during our labor. It was the little things that she did that truly touched me. She brought more chairs into the room for our family, advocated for my comfort, held my hand when I got overwhelmed, stayed past her shift to meet Addalyn, brought in a water basin so that we could bathe her, and then prior to leaving she came into our room to tell us how special Addalyn was and offer her condolences. She acknowledged our loss but also acknowledged Addy's life. What an impact she had.

...that both our families were with us at the hospital. It was so important to us that they were there not only so that they could meet Addy but so that Addy could meet them. I know it was difficult to be present but they were, tried and true. There were very few words said but the love in the room was palpable and I don't think there was a dry eye. It too was a real moment. They may never understand the depth of how touched Nate and I were that they came to meet Addy and to support us during our most difficult time. 

...that we have hundreds of pictures of Addalyn. Between the photos taken by the infant loss nurse and the photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, we have so many moments of Addy's time with us captured. I can't tell you how many times I have looked through the pictures to relive that day. 

...that when this grieving momma went to her mom and dad's house for Easter this past Sunday, there proudly displayed next to my nieces picture was a beautiful picture of Addalyn. Addy's Nana loves her so deeply that she wasted no time hanging her picture. All who visit my parent's house will see Addalyn's precious face, will be reminded of her life, and will honor her memory...that does a heartbroken momma's heart good.

If I Could Turn Back Time...

2 weeks ago...

 

 
I think there is a misconception that if you know death is imminent that it will be easier to face. I can only speak for my situation, but this simply is not true. Knowing that our daughter's life expectancy was limited didn't make saying goodbye to her any easier. It has been harder than I could have ever planned for. Nothing could have ever prepared my heart to the full extent for what I would face. The pain, sadness, heartache, emptiness, and devastation are real. My emotions waver and when I least expect it, I find myself in tears. My body feels foreign and my post-pregnancy hormones are in full force.

I keep telling Nate that I just want to feel normal but truth be told, I have no idea what "normal" is for me anymore. My life will never be the same. 

Addalyn's Birth Story

When we met with our OB at 32 weeks, we discussed scheduling an induction date. It was impossible to pick a date, as it made us feel like we had a countdown until reality would hit us. Our doctor felt it was best to not go past 37 weeks and Nate and I agreed that we didn't want to be induced before 36. Our OB is amazing and she supported every decision that we made. She never substituted her medical knowledge for our parental instincts so the plan was to meet with our OB on March 21st for my 36 week appointment and she would tell us exactly what date we would come in to be induced based on my cervix. Our tentative induction date was Monday, March 25th. 

Such as most things in our pregnancy, plans changed as Addalyn decided she wanted to make her entrance into the world a week early.

My mom and Audrey stayed the night at our house on Sunday March 17th. They had an early flight on Monday morning to fly to Salt Lake City to join Emily in the second leg of her drive home from San Francisco. I got up at 4:30am to take them to the airport and when I went to the bathroom, I noticed that I had a little bleeding. I felt fine - no cramping or discomfort. I asked my mom, who has given birth to 7 kids, and she said that light bleeding is common when the cervix begins to dilate. I didn't think much of it so we headed out to get them to the airport to catch their 6:15am flight. 

As I pulled back into my garage and got out of my car, a gush of fluid ran down my leg. I found Nate and I started bawling. I told him that I thought my water broke and that we needed to call the doctor. He remained calm but he was confused as we had been told all along that I would not know if my water broke because Addy's kidneys were essentially non functioning leaving me without amniotic fluid. I put a load of Addy's blankets in the washing machine (it was the last thing on my to do list for the week), packed our hospital bags, packed Addy's bag (we picked out a special outfit, hat, and socks for her to wear, and also packed special baby soap and lotion for her) and I took a shower. I was hoping that this was a false alarm but as I continued to run around our house trying to get everything together, fluid continued to run out of me. 

I put my scrubs on to prepare to go to work and Nate put his work clothes on too…we were hoping it was a false alarm and we could head to work. At 6:59am, I paged the on call doctor. The OB returned my call about 40 minutes later. I tried to talk to her but I just kept crying. I first explained that I knew my OB was out of town this week (she had told us that she would be on vacation for a few days and it just so happened that she would be out until Thursday) and I explained that my mom and two of my sisters were somewhere between KC and Salt Lake City. As I continued to cry, I explained the blood and the continual fluid and she explained that it sounded like my water broke. I explained that was not possible because I didn’t have amniotic fluid but she instructed us to come in to labor and delivery to be checked. I was overwhelmed and scared. This could not be happening, not without my doctor, my mom, or two of my sisters. Nate held my hand and we sat in silence as we drove to the hospital.

We got to the hospital around 8:30 and we were greeted by a nurse. She asked for us to explain our story and again, I bawled. Nate had to do the talking. The OB checked my cervix, 1 cm dilated and 20% effaced. The first test to see if my water broke was inconclusive. The second test was instantly positive and we were being admitted. Again, I cried. The OB apologized that my OB could not be there and she also explained that they didn’t have my records yet because they were still at the doctor’s office so they were waiting for them to be faxed. Thankfully I had packed a copy of our birth plan that we spent so long carefully planning and I gave it to the nurse.  How could this be happening…no mom, no OB, and no records.

The nurse gave Nate and I a few minutes to ourselves before she took us to the labor and delivery department. He held my hand and told me how much he loved me. We both cried. 

I tried to get a hold of my mom but she was en route to Denver so I kept getting her voicemail. I called Emily and she said she would try to get ahold of mom during their layover. I texted my siblings and called my boss. Sweet baby Addy had a plan of her own and she was ready for us to meet her. We tried to focus on the joy of finally getting to meet our daughter but everything felt so out of control and we thought we would have one more week of being pregnant.

Once we got to our room, the nurse completed all the admission paperwork, started my IV, got some labs, and at 11:40am placed the cervidil. It had been a whirlwind of a morning, we just wanted to go home and come back next week. We just were not ready for what was to come. The nurse explained that the plan was to remove the cervidil after 12 hours, reexamine my cervix, then start Pitocin. Luckly, my mom got a return flight from Denver so she made it back to KC around 1. She left Audrey in Denver and Emily was going to drive to Denver to pick her up and together they would make the rest of the journey home. My dad picked my mom up at the airport and they along with Nate's dad met us at the hospital.

At 1:30, I felt another gush of fluid and when I looked down, the cervidil had come out with the gush of fluids. I put my call light on and the nurse said she needed to call the doctor. She said I could get up to go to the bathroom and to eat. Our dads had picked up Cheesecake Factory. I had potstickers, orange chicken, and a slice of cheesecake. I ate like it was the last meal that I might ever be able to eat and it was delicious.

At 3:30pm the nurse started Pitocin and our families began to visit us.  We were so grateful that both our parents, all our siblings and siblings-in-law, and my grandparents were able to make it to the hospital. Around 8pm, the contractions started to pickup. They were now about 3 minutes apart and more painful on the left side. I told Nate it was so unfair to have to experience labor only to know that our baby would not survive. He cuddled with me and reassured me that I was doing a good job. My night nurse could tell that I was getting more uncomfortable. She was a pretty amazing nurse and I am so grateful for her.  She called the OB in and he checked my cervix,  2cm dilated and 80% effaced.  An entire afternoon of laboring and I was only 2 cm dilated. I was physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. The nurse convinced me to get an epidural, she was worried that if I wasn’t able to sleep that the fatigue would set during my time with Addy and she didn’t want me to miss those moments. I got an epidural at 10pm. Our families came back by to say goodnight and we promised to keep them updated on the labor through the night. Nate and I read Addy all the books that we had packed like we have done throughout our pregnancy. Then Nate made his bed in the recliner instead of on the convertible couch so that he could be next to me. He rubbed my head as we feel asleep around midnight. He is the best hubby.

At 3am, the OB rechecked me and I was 3 cm dilated and 100 % effaced.  I tried to go back to sleep but I could tell my contractions were picking up and I could feel them on my left side. I called the nurse in and I repositioned to my left side to see if that helped. It didn’t, I could still feel them. She called anesthesia and he tried to reposition the epidural catheter but still I could feel everything on the left. My nurse was such a good advocate for me, I think she could tell how overwhelmed and scared I was and she did everything possible to help ease my anxiety.  At 5am, anesthesia placed a second epidural and I slept.

At 7:15am, the night nurse brought the day nurse in to meet me. I didn't want to see my night nurse go, she was just so good in our unique situation.  I repositioned from laying on my left side to sitting up in bed. As I repositioned, I felt pressure. I said that out loud and the day nurse looked at me like I had said something crazy. She said she needed to check me. She did and she said I was fully dilated and that she could feel Addy's head. I bawled, I was not ready. The night nurse stayed, stood right by my side, and held my hand while Nate brought me my toothbrush and a washcloth to wash my face. I called my mom to alert the family and Nate called the photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. Nate went into the bathroom to brush his teeth and put in his contacts. When he came out my legs were in the stirrups, a light had dropped from the ceiling, and the OB was sitting at the end of my bed. He had a look of pure shock on his face. Everything happened so fast.

7:30am I began pushing with Nate holding tight to my right hand and the night nurse standing at my left side. The infant loss L&D RN grabbed my camera and took lots of pictures for us (I am so grateful that she thought to do this, she captured moments that we will never get back). Nate and I both cried. He held my hand and with his other hand he stroked my head. He was so comforting. 

After 4 pushes, Addalyn Lane Voigt was born at 7:49am. 

The doctor laid her on my belly and a love that I have never experienced came over me. 

Nate and I spent time alone with Addy soaking in the preciousness of our daughter. 

We held her, kissed her, bathed her, and told her how much we will always and forever love her.

She never cried but she looked at peace, an answer to this momma's prayer.

At 9:30am we were joined by Addalyn’s nanas, papas, great grandparents, all her aunts and uncles, and one of her cousins. They took turns holding her, loving her, and admiring how precious she was. Nate's brother Jim said a prayer of dedication. 

There were lots of tears but we were so grateful that our family was able to meet Addy. 
She was surrounded by so many that love her so dearly. 

After our families left, Nate and I spent the afternoon with Addalyn. We held her, told her things we wanted her to know, and Nate even read Frog and Toad to her. 

We wish so much that we could do it all over again. Not to change anything, but because we long to be able to hold our daughter again, to kiss her precious little lips, and to tell her how much she is loved. 

Addalyn, until we meet again may you always and forever know how loved you are. 

We miss you so very much our sweet precious baby girl. 

Meet Our Daughter...

Addalyn Lane Voigt

 

Born Tuesday – March 19, 2013 at 7:49 a.m. 

She went to be with Jesus shortly after her birth.

Addy weighed 5 pounds, 6 ounces and was 18 inches long.

She had a full head of hair, her momma’s chin, chubby cheeks, the most precious nose and lips, and the softest skin. She was simply beautiful.

In her short life, Addalyn was surrounded by her great-grandparents, 
nanas, papas, all her aunts and uncles, and a cousin. 

She knew nothing but love, comfort, and peace.

 

Meeting our daughter created in our hearts a love 

that we have never experienced nor that can ever be replaced.

 

 Thank you to our family and friends who have continued to shower us with love and support during this most difficult time.


Should you desire to do something to honor Addy's memory, donations can be made to Alexandra's House.

The Zoo

Nate loves to read Addy a book called "Zoo Babies" and after reading it one night, we decided that little Addalyn needed to experience the zoo. Unfortunately the 70 degree weather of yesterday did not stick around today but that did not deter us. We spent the afternoon at the zoo and thanks to my hubby, we had the Lion King soundtrack to get us in the animal mood on the way there!

 

34 Weeks

I know I have said it before, but it feels like I have been pregnant forever yet at the same time, it is hard to believe that we are 34 weeks pregnant. 
It is one of those bittersweet aspects to our journey. 

I truly love the feeling of being pregnant but given our circumstance, it is also rather difficult. I get asked random questions all the time. If you have ever been pregnant, you know what I mean. It's inevitable  because people love pregnancy. If it is someone I don't know, I answer the questions then move on...it is my first baby, it's a girl, she is due in April, and her name is Addalyn. On the other hand, if it is someone I know, I feel the need to explain our situation rather then just let them keep asking questions.  I let the wind out of their sails when I explain Addy's story. I watch as their smile fades and tears well up in their eyes. As they begin to apologize, I find myself feeling the need to comfort them. I say things like, "it's going to be ok" and "you didn't know so please don't feel bad for asking." I cry every time I find myself in this situation, it breaks my heart. It is emotionally exhausting.  I wish so much that Addy's story would be different. 

As difficult as it is to be pregnant, I don't think I am ready for the conversations that will ensue post pregnancy. I can picture being asked, "do you have any children?" Surely saying yes would lead to the next question, "how old is she." I would have to answers, "she would have been..."  I don't want to have those conversations either. I also don't want to be driving and face the realization that it is just me in the car. Right now, I spend my time in the car talking to Addy. It is our time and I dread the thought of being alone. I will miss feeling Addalyn wiggle and having Nate rub my belly. I will miss seeing him be amazed as he feels his baby girl kick.  Being pregnant has become a part of who I am so despite the awkward conversations, I am scared to not be pregnant anymore.

I know that I will never be ready to face what is to come but the reality is, my days of being a pregnant momma are fading. As hard as it is to be pregnant, it is equally hard to think about not being pregnant. Oh so bittersweet.

Praying for Peace

Today, the hubs and I met with the palliative care doctor at Saint Luke's as well as the fetal health coordinator to discuss the day when we meet Addalyn. While I find myself fighting back tears during almost any appointment, the unknown is terrifying to me so anything we can do to help alleviate some of the anxiety is helpful. This meeting allowed us to ask questions about things that can be done to help ensure that Addy is comfortable after she is born and to discuss our wishes in terms of aftercare. Strange conversations I tell you but necessary so that our wishes are known in advance which we hope will allow us to savor our time with Addy.

 
As I was driving home from the appointment today, I found myself hoping for a sense of peace and for time so I am asking for prayers for those very things...

Through our journey, we have been faced with challenging and difficult decisions at every turn.  I would never have imagined there would be so many things to plan. When we try to have conversations regarding our desires, we both end up in tears. What we want is to be able to welcome a healthy baby girl into the world and sadly, that is just not a reality for us.  As Nate and I struggle to make all the difficult decisions, I pray for wisdom, guidance, and a sense of peace. 

.........

 We know that precious Addalyn's life is limited and we have heard estimates that she may live between 1-2 hours.  Such is life though that nothing is guaranteed, but this momma desires more time.  We have to fit a lifetime of love, hugs, snuggles, and kisses in before we have to wait our lifetime to see Addalyn again. It is my prayer that we will have time with Addy. No amount will ever be enough that I will be ready to say goodbye but I pray for time with my precious baby girl.

32 Weeks

We had what we expect to be our last ultrasound on Wednesday. There were no changes, good or bad, in Addalyn's condition. Her anomalies were still present and the amniotic fluid was sparse. She is on par with the growth chart for her gestational age and her heart is as strong as ever...142 beats per minute! Her little head is still in the right lower quadrant, her bottom in the upper left quadrant, and of course her hands were up by her face (the lack of amniotic fluid prevents her from moving around).

While it is always neat to get to see Addalyn, the ultrasounds are difficult. I wish I could say they provide comfort but in actuality they make both Nate and I anxious. It is their responsibility to tell us what they see but hearing all the problems just makes us sad. Addalyn wiggles and kicks enough to remind me that she is present (and Nate has actually been able to feel her a couple of times! She is most active around storytime at night...I think she likes being read to!) and since we know her prognosis, we didn't feel it was necessary to continue to have the ultrasounds. The perinatologist was fine with that...she actually said if they were comforting then we could do them weekly but since they aren't then there is no need to keep doing them. Perhaps it is living in denial but I prefer just to feel her moving and watch my belly grow than to go weekly for an ultrasound to have to be reminded of all the problems. 

I love being pregnant. It is simply a miracle that there is life within me. I am fascinated with my ever growing and changing body and the fact that I can feel Addalyn's every move. Nate has commented before that we are going to stay pregnant forever...at least we know that Addalyn is safe within her little womb.

Ultrasound #12...

Sweet Baby Addy's Valentine's Box Overfloweth...

We were simply amazed by the number of Valentines that Addalyn received. Valentines came from family, friends, co-workers, and complete strangers.  Amazing!  

Nate and I spent the evening of Valentine's Day reading all the cards. 

They were so personal...we laughed, we cried, and we were touched.

Thank you for loving Addalyn and for making her Valentine's Day (and her mommy and daddy's too) so very special.

And a big thank you to my hubby who came up with the idea. Addalyn is lucky to have such a special daddy. He loves her so very much.

30 Weeks (One Week Late)

Approaching 30 weeks was difficult for me. 30 weeks represents the last stretch of a pregnancy. It's the last few weeks where you scramble to finish the nursery, gather the last of the baby essentials, complete all the hospital classes, and prepare for a baby. Bitterness sets in when I think about what should be. I don't want to discuss an induction, a funeral home, a memorial service, or anything to do with death. It just simply should not be. I don't know how to answer the challenging questions or make all the arrangements. There are days when I want to just pull the covers up over my head and hide. 

I want to prepare for life without having to be preparing for death.

And her name is...

 Addalyn Lane

The hubs and I had a short little list of girls names and we easily picked Addalyn 
or Addy for short. 

Her middle name is after my youngest sister, Erica Lane. 

When the hubs and I started dating, Erica was 6 years old! Nate is the baby of his family so he didn't have a lot of experience with kids prior to dating me. Erica loved Nate from the day we started dating. When he would come over, she would crawl up on his lap, suck her thumb, and play with his ear. The first few times, Nate was really uncomfortable and weirded out but over time, it just became normal to him. 

We have had almost 15 ultrasounds and every time we get to see Addalyn, she has her hands covering her face. Never have we actually seen her cleft lip because her hands are right at her mouth. Nate decided early on that we needed to name Addalyn after her Aunt Erica because he is convinced that she is in there, ever so content sucking her thumb just like Erica used to do.  

Valentine's Day

A very special message from my hubby and Baby V's daddy...

First, I’d like to thank everyone who has given us so much love and support during this difficult time.  Your thoughts and prayers are very appreciated and we feel so blessed to have such amazing people in our lives.  This week, Aly and I would like to give you the chance to show our baby girl, Addalyn Lane, your love and support for her as well.

If you’re a regular visitor to this page, then you know that little Addy’s time with us is limited.  February 14^th, 2013, will likely be the only time our little girl experiences Valentine’s Day.  The idea that she would never get the chance to make a Valentine’s Day box with her mom, take it to school, and exchange valentines with her friends just didn’t seem fair to me.  So Aly and I decided we would make Addy her very own Valentine’s Day box.  Of course, I wanted it to be as cute as possible, so I just supervised…

We want this to be the most special Valentine’s Day that any little girl has ever experienced, and although Aly did a great job making the box, it’s not quite enough. 

We want you to be Addy’s valentine! 

We’d like to invite you to take a moment to make little Addy a Valentine’s Day card with a short (or long) personal message for her.  We love reading to Addy, and nothing would bring us more joy than to read your message to her.  However, if you’d like for Addy to hear your message in your own voice, feel free to buy one of those cards where you can record a message and we’ll play it for her. 

 

Again, I want to thank you all for your love and support and I want to especially thank you for making our baby girl feel loved.  I hope you all have a wonderful Valentine’s Day!

- Nate

 

  If you need our address, 

leave a comment with your email address and I will email our address to you.

 

It is the cry of this brokenhearted momma's heart that my daughter knows that she is loved. I don't know how to prepare to see her precious face for the first and last time. Will she know in the short amount of time that she in my arms that she is loved? 

Will she know how wanted she truly is? Will she be at peace?

I want, more than anything, for her to feel loved. 

One of the things that I was most excited about in thinking about becoming a momma was the moments when we would snuggle in the rocking chair and read. I remember those moments from my childhood and I was so excited to share those moments with my baby. So excited that I started buying books when I first found out that I was pregnant. Baby V's Aunt Emily and Nana also gave her some books.

While I may never have the opportunity to rock Baby V and read some of my favorite books to her, I don't want her to miss out on those moments. The hubs and I have a pile of books next to our bed and at night, we take turns reading to her. 

She is wanted and she is loved.

One of my coworkers and friends gave me a book recently that truly touched me. 

It is written by a momma that navigated the road that I am traveling before me and she writes in such a way that her words touched my soul. 

What a blessing this book was to me.