I know I have said it before, but it feels like I have been pregnant forever yet at the same time, it is hard to believe that we are 34 weeks pregnant.
It is one of those bittersweet aspects to our journey.
I truly love the feeling of being pregnant but given our circumstance, it is also rather difficult. I get asked random questions all the time. If you have ever been pregnant, you know what I mean. It's inevitable because people love pregnancy. If it is someone I don't know, I answer the questions then move on...it is my first baby, it's a girl, she is due in April, and her name is Addalyn. On the other hand, if it is someone I know, I feel the need to explain our situation rather then just let them keep asking questions. I let the wind out of their sails when I explain Addy's story. I watch as their smile fades and tears well up in their eyes. As they begin to apologize, I find myself feeling the need to comfort them. I say things like, "it's going to be ok" and "you didn't know so please don't feel bad for asking." I cry every time I find myself in this situation, it breaks my heart. It is emotionally exhausting. I wish so much that Addy's story would be different.
As difficult as it is to be pregnant, I don't think I am ready for the conversations that will ensue post pregnancy. I can picture being asked, "do you have any children?" Surely saying yes would lead to the next question, "how old is she." I would have to answers, "she would have been..." I don't want to have those conversations either. I also don't want to be driving and face the realization that it is just me in the car. Right now, I spend my time in the car talking to Addy. It is our time and I dread the thought of being alone. I will miss feeling Addalyn wiggle and having Nate rub my belly. I will miss seeing him be amazed as he feels his baby girl kick. Being pregnant has become a part of who I am so despite the awkward conversations, I am scared to not be pregnant anymore.
I know that I will never be ready to face what is to come but the reality is, my days of being a pregnant momma are fading. As hard as it is to be pregnant, it is equally hard to think about not being pregnant. Oh so bittersweet.
I know that I will never be ready to face what is to come but the reality is, my days of being a pregnant momma are fading. As hard as it is to be pregnant, it is equally hard to think about not being pregnant. Oh so bittersweet.
I love you. I love you. I love you!
ReplyDeleteEach time I read your blog I want to reply, but find that, with tears running down my face, I'm at a loss for words. You, Nate and Addy are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. You are such a strong and amazing mother! I wish Addy's story was different, too. I pray for peace, guidance, and healing of your broken hearts. For Addy I pray for no suffering and for Jesus to be with her no matter what her future holds.
ReplyDeleteYou have to know that she knows you love her with all your heart and more. Her cozy home tells her. I believe God tells her in a way only babies can know. God gave her the best parents she could have.
I love you. I will continue to pray for you and your family. Know that I am here if you need anything.
Love,
Christa
Thanks Christa for your kind words and for your prayers. Much love to you and your precious family!
DeleteHey there. I know you don't know me but we have a mutual friend who shared your blog on her FB page. As I read have your entries I don't even know where to start. I find myself going back to a journey I took almost 8 years now with my first born. We found out at our first ultrasound that something was not right. We were presented with the option to terminate or go ahead with the pregnancy knowing that our little boy may not survive, or he may only survive a few of hours. We did not know what might happen but we knew it was in God's hands. I can remember going to each ultrasound praying for a miracle and the issues that were seen at week 18 would magically vanish. As my pregnancy progressed, I changed my prayer to have just two minutes with my baby boy so that he could look at his momma and daddy and know who we were and how much we love him. God granted us 6 weeks with my precious son. Five of those weeks were in a NICU and one week home on hospice. In the early days, I struggled with the why of the situation. But 8 years after my journey, I know that God led me through that time for a variety of reasons... to be able to depend upon Him more; to trust his will for my life (I am a little head strong and a bit of a control freak!), and to share my experience with others to give them the same encouragement, comfort, and peace that He surrounded me with during my journey. I can tell you it will get harder and then it will get easier to bear as you learn to cope with the path God has placed before you. There are still days that I will break down and cry when something reminds me of my son but it is no longer on a daily basis as it was 8 years ago. I would love to share more but I don't want to overwhelm you at the same time. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteKatie