The Last Of What Once Was {Leaving Behind Home}

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

And so it is, the season I have long feared. 

I knew it would come and know it is for the best but it doesn't make it easy. 
The very place that I have called home for the past five years, will soon no longer be mine. 

It is the place that we ran through as a young married couple dreaming of our future. Room by room we planned how this very place would house our history. The place with rooms to spare, a school district to be proud of, and amenities for a growing family. 

It is the very place where I first learned I would be a mom and the refuge I needed during the highs and lows. It was my safe haven that allowed me to relish the life within me without the weight of the world. The place where I read to her, where we built a snowman, and where I once dreamed her nursery to be. It is the place where my water broke, where I crawled back to after her death, and where I returned after her memorial service. It is the place where my empty arms ensured that there was a tangible reminder of my child in each and every room. This is the place where she was alive within me.

This is where I grieved, where I screamed in anger and sobbed in brokenness. 
It is where I healed. 

And yet, this place houses the room where I was when I learned of his infidelity, the stairs that I sat upon and watched as he carried out his things, and the garage where I collapsed as he drove off to his new life.

And again, it became my refuge. Where I hid. Where I ran to. Where I was home. A safe haven as I doubted my worth at my lowest of lows. These walls have watched me slowly find my feet as I rediscovered who I was created to be. O, if only they could talk. It has been my constant through the changes, my sanctuary, my protection, my home.

And yet, it is just a place. 
A materialistic existence of my former life. The last of what once was. 
And so, it is time. Time to collect what is and walk away.

More than the physical place, I will grieve what this place once stood for, the comfort I have always found within, and the vivid memories that will remain.  It's a loss of another part of what was once me and walking away begs the question of where do I belong now. 
Where is home?

Though I know not where I will land, I know that my true refuge isn't bound in these walls. It is in Him.


From the love of my own comfort
From the fear of having nothing
From a life of worldly passions
Deliver me O God

A chord from a hymn we sang the week I decided it was time to sell.
Coincidence? I think not. Confirmation.

Precious Moments Memorial

Monday, August 10, 2015

She was, she is, and she will forever be with us. My Addy.

As her momma, I will forever be grateful for the ways in which my family and friends have found to honor and celebrate her precious life. 

Each unique. Each personal. Each meaningful. 

For what would have been Addy's 2nd birthday, my maternal grandparents had a brick placed in the Memorial Garden at the Precious Moments Chapel

It is a place I remember visiting with them as a child. 
It is tranquil and serene and peaceful.

 She existed, she matters, and she is forever missed.
Long may sweet Addy's memory live on. 

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