Praying for Peace

Today, the hubs and I met with the palliative care doctor at Saint Luke's as well as the fetal health coordinator to discuss the day when we meet Addalyn. While I find myself fighting back tears during almost any appointment, the unknown is terrifying to me so anything we can do to help alleviate some of the anxiety is helpful. This meeting allowed us to ask questions about things that can be done to help ensure that Addy is comfortable after she is born and to discuss our wishes in terms of aftercare. Strange conversations I tell you but necessary so that our wishes are known in advance which we hope will allow us to savor our time with Addy.

 
As I was driving home from the appointment today, I found myself hoping for a sense of peace and for time so I am asking for prayers for those very things...

Through our journey, we have been faced with challenging and difficult decisions at every turn.  I would never have imagined there would be so many things to plan. When we try to have conversations regarding our desires, we both end up in tears. What we want is to be able to welcome a healthy baby girl into the world and sadly, that is just not a reality for us.  As Nate and I struggle to make all the difficult decisions, I pray for wisdom, guidance, and a sense of peace. 

.........

 We know that precious Addalyn's life is limited and we have heard estimates that she may live between 1-2 hours.  Such is life though that nothing is guaranteed, but this momma desires more time.  We have to fit a lifetime of love, hugs, snuggles, and kisses in before we have to wait our lifetime to see Addalyn again. It is my prayer that we will have time with Addy. No amount will ever be enough that I will be ready to say goodbye but I pray for time with my precious baby girl.

There are no guarantees in life, seize the little moments...

 

Embrace today!

32 Weeks

We had what we expect to be our last ultrasound on Wednesday. There were no changes, good or bad, in Addalyn's condition. Her anomalies were still present and the amniotic fluid was sparse. She is on par with the growth chart for her gestational age and her heart is as strong as ever...142 beats per minute! Her little head is still in the right lower quadrant, her bottom in the upper left quadrant, and of course her hands were up by her face (the lack of amniotic fluid prevents her from moving around).

While it is always neat to get to see Addalyn, the ultrasounds are difficult. I wish I could say they provide comfort but in actuality they make both Nate and I anxious. It is their responsibility to tell us what they see but hearing all the problems just makes us sad. Addalyn wiggles and kicks enough to remind me that she is present (and Nate has actually been able to feel her a couple of times! She is most active around storytime at night...I think she likes being read to!) and since we know her prognosis, we didn't feel it was necessary to continue to have the ultrasounds. The perinatologist was fine with that...she actually said if they were comforting then we could do them weekly but since they aren't then there is no need to keep doing them. Perhaps it is living in denial but I prefer just to feel her moving and watch my belly grow than to go weekly for an ultrasound to have to be reminded of all the problems. 

I love being pregnant. It is simply a miracle that there is life within me. I am fascinated with my ever growing and changing body and the fact that I can feel Addalyn's every move. Nate has commented before that we are going to stay pregnant forever...at least we know that Addalyn is safe within her little womb.

Ultrasound #12...

Sweet Baby Addy's Valentine's Box Overfloweth...

We were simply amazed by the number of Valentines that Addalyn received. Valentines came from family, friends, co-workers, and complete strangers.  Amazing!  

Nate and I spent the evening of Valentine's Day reading all the cards. 

They were so personal...we laughed, we cried, and we were touched.

Thank you for loving Addalyn and for making her Valentine's Day (and her mommy and daddy's too) so very special.

And a big thank you to my hubby who came up with the idea. Addalyn is lucky to have such a special daddy. He loves her so very much.

30 Weeks (One Week Late)

Approaching 30 weeks was difficult for me. 30 weeks represents the last stretch of a pregnancy. It's the last few weeks where you scramble to finish the nursery, gather the last of the baby essentials, complete all the hospital classes, and prepare for a baby. Bitterness sets in when I think about what should be. I don't want to discuss an induction, a funeral home, a memorial service, or anything to do with death. It just simply should not be. I don't know how to answer the challenging questions or make all the arrangements. There are days when I want to just pull the covers up over my head and hide. 

I want to prepare for life without having to be preparing for death.

And her name is...

 Addalyn Lane

The hubs and I had a short little list of girls names and we easily picked Addalyn 
or Addy for short. 

Her middle name is after my youngest sister, Erica Lane. 

When the hubs and I started dating, Erica was 6 years old! Nate is the baby of his family so he didn't have a lot of experience with kids prior to dating me. Erica loved Nate from the day we started dating. When he would come over, she would crawl up on his lap, suck her thumb, and play with his ear. The first few times, Nate was really uncomfortable and weirded out but over time, it just became normal to him. 

We have had almost 15 ultrasounds and every time we get to see Addalyn, she has her hands covering her face. Never have we actually seen her cleft lip because her hands are right at her mouth. Nate decided early on that we needed to name Addalyn after her Aunt Erica because he is convinced that she is in there, ever so content sucking her thumb just like Erica used to do.  

Valentine's Day

A very special message from my hubby and Baby V's daddy...

First, I’d like to thank everyone who has given us so much love and support during this difficult time.  Your thoughts and prayers are very appreciated and we feel so blessed to have such amazing people in our lives.  This week, Aly and I would like to give you the chance to show our baby girl, Addalyn Lane, your love and support for her as well.

If you’re a regular visitor to this page, then you know that little Addy’s time with us is limited.  February 14^th, 2013, will likely be the only time our little girl experiences Valentine’s Day.  The idea that she would never get the chance to make a Valentine’s Day box with her mom, take it to school, and exchange valentines with her friends just didn’t seem fair to me.  So Aly and I decided we would make Addy her very own Valentine’s Day box.  Of course, I wanted it to be as cute as possible, so I just supervised…

We want this to be the most special Valentine’s Day that any little girl has ever experienced, and although Aly did a great job making the box, it’s not quite enough. 

We want you to be Addy’s valentine! 

We’d like to invite you to take a moment to make little Addy a Valentine’s Day card with a short (or long) personal message for her.  We love reading to Addy, and nothing would bring us more joy than to read your message to her.  However, if you’d like for Addy to hear your message in your own voice, feel free to buy one of those cards where you can record a message and we’ll play it for her. 

 

Again, I want to thank you all for your love and support and I want to especially thank you for making our baby girl feel loved.  I hope you all have a wonderful Valentine’s Day!

- Nate

 

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It is the cry of this brokenhearted momma's heart that my daughter knows that she is loved. I don't know how to prepare to see her precious face for the first and last time. Will she know in the short amount of time that she in my arms that she is loved? 

Will she know how wanted she truly is? Will she be at peace?

I want, more than anything, for her to feel loved. 

One of the things that I was most excited about in thinking about becoming a momma was the moments when we would snuggle in the rocking chair and read. I remember those moments from my childhood and I was so excited to share those moments with my baby. So excited that I started buying books when I first found out that I was pregnant. Baby V's Aunt Emily and Nana also gave her some books.

While I may never have the opportunity to rock Baby V and read some of my favorite books to her, I don't want her to miss out on those moments. The hubs and I have a pile of books next to our bed and at night, we take turns reading to her. 

She is wanted and she is loved.