Thank You

Friday, March 29, 2013
Nate and I cannot say thank you enough for all the love and support that we have been given throughout our pregnancy. The texts, calls, emails, cards, flowers, care packages, and donations on behalf of Addalyn to Alexandra's House (some coming from complete strangers who have just happened to stumble across this blog) have truly touched us. 

We miss our daughter so much and to know that there are so many people praying for us, thinking of us, remembering us, and honoring our precious Addalyn's life is simply amazing. 

Thank you so very much! 

Addalyn's Birth Story

Wednesday, March 27, 2013
When we met with our OB at 32 weeks, we discussed scheduling an induction date. It was impossible to pick a date, as it made us feel like we had a countdown until reality would hit us. Our doctor felt it was best to not go past 37 weeks and Nate and I agreed that we didn't want to be induced before 36. Our OB is amazing and she supported every decision that we made. She never substituted her medical knowledge for our parental instincts so the plan was to meet with our OB on March 21st for my 36 week appointment and she would tell us exactly what date we would come in to be induced based on my cervix. Our tentative induction date was Monday, March 25th. 

Such as most things in our pregnancy, plans changed as Addalyn decided she wanted to make her entrance into the world a week early.

My mom and Audrey stayed the night at our house on Sunday March 17th. They had an early flight on Monday morning to fly to Salt Lake City to join Emily in the second leg of her drive home from San Francisco. I got up at 4:30am to take them to the airport and when I went to the bathroom, I noticed that I had a little bleeding. I felt fine - no cramping or discomfort. I asked my mom, who has given birth to 7 kids, and she said that light bleeding is common when the cervix begins to dilate. I didn't think much of it so we headed out to get them to the airport to catch their 6:15am flight. 

As I pulled back into my garage and got out of my car, a gush of fluid ran down my leg. I found Nate and I started bawling. I told him that I thought my water broke and that we needed to call the doctor. He remained calm but he was confused as we had been told all along that I would not know if my water broke because Addy's kidneys were essentially non functioning leaving me without amniotic fluid. I put a load of Addy's blankets in the washing machine (it was the last thing on my to do list for the week), packed our hospital bags, packed Addy's bag (we picked out a special outfit, hat, and socks for her to wear, and also packed special baby soap and lotion for her) and I took a shower. I was hoping that this was a false alarm but as I continued to run around our house trying to get everything together, fluid continued to run out of me. 

I put my scrubs on to prepare to go to work and Nate put his work clothes on too…we were hoping it was a false alarm and we could head to work. At 6:59am, I paged the on call doctor. The OB returned my call about 40 minutes later. I tried to talk to her but I just kept crying. I first explained that I knew my OB was out of town this week (she had told us that she would be on vacation for a few days and it just so happened that she would be out until Thursday) and I explained that my mom and two of my sisters were somewhere between KC and Salt Lake City. As I continued to cry, I explained the blood and the continual fluid and she explained that it sounded like my water broke. I explained that was not possible because I didn’t have amniotic fluid but she instructed us to come in to labor and delivery to be checked. I was overwhelmed and scared. This could not be happening, not without my doctor, my mom, or two of my sisters. Nate held my hand and we sat in silence as we drove to the hospital.

We got to the hospital around 8:30 and we were greeted by a nurse. She asked for us to explain our story and again, I bawled. Nate had to do the talking. The OB checked my cervix, 1 cm dilated and 20% effaced. The first test to see if my water broke was inconclusive. The second test was instantly positive and we were being admitted. Again, I cried. The OB apologized that my OB could not be there and she also explained that they didn’t have my records yet because they were still at the doctor’s office so they were waiting for them to be faxed. Thankfully I had packed a copy of our birth plan that we spent so long carefully planning and I gave it to the nurse.  How could this be happening…no mom, no OB, and no records.

The nurse gave Nate and I a few minutes to ourselves before she took us to the labor and delivery department. He held my hand and told me how much he loved me. We both cried. 

I tried to get a hold of my mom but she was en route to Denver so I kept getting her voicemail. I called Emily and she said she would try to get ahold of mom during their layover. I texted my siblings and called my boss. Sweet baby Addy had a plan of her own and she was ready for us to meet her. We tried to focus on the joy of finally getting to meet our daughter but everything felt so out of control and we thought we would have one more week of being pregnant.

Once we got to our room, the nurse completed all the admission paperwork, started my IV, got some labs, and at 11:40am placed the cervidil. It had been a whirlwind of a morning, we just wanted to go home and come back next week. We just were not ready for what was to come. The nurse explained that the plan was to remove the cervidil after 12 hours, reexamine my cervix, then start Pitocin. Luckly, my mom got a return flight from Denver so she made it back to KC around 1. She left Audrey in Denver and Emily was going to drive to Denver to pick her up and together they would make the rest of the journey home. My dad picked my mom up at the airport and they along with Nate's dad met us at the hospital.

At 1:30, I felt another gush of fluid and when I looked down, the cervidil had come out with the gush of fluids. I put my call light on and the nurse said she needed to call the doctor. She said I could get up to go to the bathroom and to eat. Our dads had picked up Cheesecake Factory. I had potstickers, orange chicken, and a slice of cheesecake. I ate like it was the last meal that I might ever be able to eat and it was delicious.

At 3:30pm the nurse started Pitocin and our families began to visit us.  We were so grateful that both our parents, all our siblings and siblings-in-law, and my grandparents were able to make it to the hospital. Around 8pm, the contractions started to pickup. They were now about 3 minutes apart and more painful on the left side. I told Nate it was so unfair to have to experience labor only to know that our baby would not survive. He cuddled with me and reassured me that I was doing a good job. My night nurse could tell that I was getting more uncomfortable. She was a pretty amazing nurse and I am so grateful for her.  She called the OB in and he checked my cervix,  2cm dilated and 80% effaced.  An entire afternoon of laboring and I was only 2 cm dilated. I was physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. The nurse convinced me to get an epidural, she was worried that if I wasn’t able to sleep that the fatigue would set during my time with Addy and she didn’t want me to miss those moments. I got an epidural at 10pm. Our families came back by to say goodnight and we promised to keep them updated on the labor through the night. Nate and I read Addy all the books that we had packed like we have done throughout our pregnancy. Then Nate made his bed in the recliner instead of on the convertible couch so that he could be next to me. He rubbed my head as we feel asleep around midnight. He is the best hubby.

At 3am, the OB rechecked me and I was 3 cm dilated and 100 % effaced.  I tried to go back to sleep but I could tell my contractions were picking up and I could feel them on my left side. I called the nurse in and I repositioned to my left side to see if that helped. It didn’t, I could still feel them. She called anesthesia and he tried to reposition the epidural catheter but still I could feel everything on the left. My nurse was such a good advocate for me, I think she could tell how overwhelmed and scared I was and she did everything possible to help ease my anxiety.  At 5am, anesthesia placed a second epidural and I slept.

At 7:15am, the night nurse brought the day nurse in to meet me. I didn't want to see my night nurse go, she was just so good in our unique situation.  I repositioned from laying on my left side to sitting up in bed. As I repositioned, I felt pressure. I said that out loud and the day nurse looked at me like I had said something crazy. She said she needed to check me. She did and she said I was fully dilated and that she could feel Addy's head. I bawled, I was not ready. The night nurse stayed, stood right by my side, and held my hand while Nate brought me my toothbrush and a washcloth to wash my face. I called my mom to alert the family and Nate called the photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. Nate went into the bathroom to brush his teeth and put in his contacts. When he came out my legs were in the stirrups, a light had dropped from the ceiling, and the OB was sitting at the end of my bed. He had a look of pure shock on his face. Everything happened so fast.

7:30am I began pushing with Nate holding tight to my right hand and the night nurse standing at my left side. The infant loss L&D RN grabbed my camera and took lots of pictures for us (I am so grateful that she thought to do this, she captured moments that we will never get back). Nate and I both cried. He held my hand and with his other hand he stroked my head. He was so comforting. 

After 4 pushes, Addalyn Lane Voigt was born at 7:49am. 
The doctor laid her on my belly and a love that I have never experienced came over me. 

Nate and I spent time alone with Addy soaking in the preciousness of our daughter. 
We held her, kissed her, bathed her, and told her how much we will always and forever love her.

She never cried but she looked at peace, an answer to this momma's prayer.

At 9:30am we were joined by Addalyn’s nanas, papas, great grandparents, all her aunts and uncles, and one of her cousins. They took turns holding her, loving her, and admiring how precious she was. Nate's brother Jim said a prayer of dedication. 

There were lots of tears but we were so grateful that our family was able to meet Addy. 
She was surrounded by so many that love her so dearly. 

After our families left, Nate and I spent the afternoon with Addalyn. We held her, told her things we wanted her to know, and Nate even read Frog and Toad to her. 

We wish so much that we could do it all over again. Not to change anything, but because we long to be able to hold our daughter again, to kiss her precious little lips, and to tell her how much she is loved. 

Addalyn, until we meet again may you always and forever know how loved you are. 
We miss you so very much our sweet precious baby girl. 

Meet Our Daughter...

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Addalyn Lane Voigt


Born Tuesday – March 19, 2013 at 7:49 a.m. 
She went to be with Jesus shortly after her birth.
Addy weighed 5 pounds, 6 ounces and was 18 inches long.

She had a full head of hair, her momma’s chin, chubby cheeks, the most precious nose and lips, and the softest skin. She was simply beautiful.

In her short life, Addalyn was surrounded by her great-grandparents, 
nanas, papas, all her aunts and uncles, and a cousin. 

She knew nothing but love, comfort, and peace.

Meeting our daughter created in our hearts a love 
that we have never experienced nor that can ever be replaced.


Thank you to our family and friends who have continued to shower us with love and support during this most difficult time.

Should you desire to do something to honor Addy's memory, donations can be made to Alexandra's House.

The Zoo

Saturday, March 16, 2013
Nate loves to read Addy a book called "Zoo Babies" and after reading it one night, we decided that little Addalyn needed to experience the zoo. Unfortunately the 70 degree weather of yesterday did not stick around today but that did not deter us. We spent the afternoon at the zoo and thanks to my hubby, we had the Lion King soundtrack to get us in the animal mood on the way there!


34 Weeks

Sunday, March 10, 2013

I know I have said it before, but it feels like I have been pregnant forever yet at the same time, it is hard to believe that we are 34 weeks pregnant. 
It is one of those bittersweet aspects to our journey. 

I truly love the feeling of being pregnant but given our circumstance, it is also rather difficult. I get asked random questions all the time. If you have ever been pregnant, you know what I mean. It's inevitable  because people love pregnancy. If it is someone I don't know, I answer the questions then move is my first baby, it's a girl, she is due in April, and her name is Addalyn. On the other hand, if it is someone I know, I feel the need to explain our situation rather then just let them keep asking questions.  I let the wind out of their sails when I explain Addy's story. I watch as their smile fades and tears well up in their eyes. As they begin to apologize, I find myself feeling the need to comfort them. I say things like, "it's going to be ok" and "you didn't know so please don't feel bad for asking." I cry every time I find myself in this situation, it breaks my heart. It is emotionally exhausting.  I wish so much that Addy's story would be different. 

As difficult as it is to be pregnant, I don't think I am ready for the conversations that will ensue post pregnancy. I can picture being asked, "do you have any children?" Surely saying yes would lead to the next question, "how old is she." I would have to answers, "she would have been..."  I don't want to have those conversations either. I also don't want to be driving and face the realization that it is just me in the car. Right now, I spend my time in the car talking to Addy. It is our time and I dread the thought of being alone. I will miss feeling Addalyn wiggle and having Nate rub my belly. I will miss seeing him be amazed as he feels his baby girl kick.  Being pregnant has become a part of who I am so despite the awkward conversations, I am scared to not be pregnant anymore.

I know that I will never be ready to face what is to come but the reality is, my days of being a pregnant momma are fading. As hard as it is to be pregnant, it is equally hard to think about not being pregnant. Oh so bittersweet.

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