Can we talk about something that makes me sweat, want to crawl under a table, and continuously need to pulse check? What could be that bad? If you guessed 'dating,' those party poppers are for you, so welcome aboard this adventure. Oh dear Jesus, save me now.
When it comes to dating, I am a fish way out of water. Not only did I never envision it to be a part of my world but I don't really count my first ever "first date" as such. You see, it was my 16th birthday and he joined my ENTIRE family for dinner to celebrate. That was it. Signed, sealed, and delivered, my heart was done for. He was it. But that thing called life happened. And that little 16 year old girl could never have prepared for how that story would end. But it did. And so here I am. Embarking on a new chapter.
I was recently sent on my first date...and a blind date at that.
And let me tell you, he was super nice and totally sweet but he knew nothing about me.
I left feeling overwhelmed by feelings that I didn't even know I had yet to deal with. Things like confusion for how to get to know the depth of someone and they of me, a fear of letting my guard down, and a surprising anger for the reality of being 'single' after once vowing forever. It wasn't anything he did or said, it simply is me coming to terms with where I am in my life.
I feel like there should have been
Warning:
Aly comes with wounds. There is a segment of the city she avoids like the plague, she has a great fear of being hurt, a very tender heart, and a deceased child whom she will grief forever. Not just for another year or two but for forever.
That is a lot.
But I do want to share my life with someone. And someday, I want to be able to hear someone call me momma. That's my dream, just as it was at 16, and 23, and 27, and still at 29.
So I've secretly created a fairytale in my head. It's quiet simple. If I could click my ruby red slippers together, my future husband would appear and say, "I know your journey and someday, when you are ready to share, I would love to hear the depth of your heart. But for now, just know that I know and I embrace you." I would fist pump bigger than any Jersey Shore party you ever did see. Ha. Who am I kidding? I would probably cry. I would cry like a baby at the thought of him already knowing my story and yet hearing him say he embraces all that I am.
I know when the timing is right, it will be right because He hasn't failed me yet.
Back to the here and now.
Aly, I read all of your posts, and never know what to say, but this one I can help with. I'm a pro...unfortunately. Lol
ReplyDeleteYour giant billboard is a tiny little label compared to mine, & most of my friends! So I can confidently tell you to put those worries about your "issues" aside. Everyone our age has just as many, just as deep. I would be leary if they didn't. I was a single mom of 2 before getting married last year, & let me tell you, none of my baggage, trust issues, etc stopped him from loving & accepting me for me. He too was a full time single parent. That actually made our relationship easier. We have more respect for each other because of the struggles we've had to over come.
As far as dating... Its not as bad as it seems. Yes, you'll have to get comfortable with putting yourself out there, but it can actually be fun if you let it. Good luck!
P.s. you inspire me to be a better woman!
Chrissy Hill (Beeler)
I so love this. So proud of you! It is so crystal clear to me that your future husband is going to be one of the luckiest men alive to have you by his side. The world is on alert! This beautiful, strong, courageous, brave, amazing, and FUN woman, momma, is on the market! AH! I can't wait to see what the future holds. BTW, I am also scoping out every single man I meet in Portland for you. You have options on the west coast too!! ;) xoxo
ReplyDeletePerfect! When you find him, the three of you can all move back to KC and we can be one big happy family! Love and miss you my dear friend!
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