Making It...

Today marks 4 weeks from the day we met and lost our precious Addalyn.
It does not seem possible that 4 weeks have passed. When I close my eyes, I am right back in the hospital bed holding my precious Addy and taking in her sweet smell. 
I miss her so dearly.

Together, we are making it. 
Nate took two weeks off before returning to work but I am still on "maternity leave." I am not sure how long I will stay home, my focus is on one day at a time. My calendar for the most part is empty. During my pregnancy, my calendar was almost overwhelming with the all the doctors appointments and ultrasounds, rarely did we have a week without an appointment. But there are no more appointments, no more plans to be made, or discussions to be had.  I am trying to hold it all together, to reintegrate back into life, and to try to figure out my new normal.  It was just me for 27 years, for 8 months I was a pregnant momma, for 1 day I was physically a momma, and for the past four weeks and will forever more be a grieving momma. 

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 Together we attended a session with a grief counselor and on Saturday we went to a support group at Alexandra's House. How did I get to a point in my life that I needed to attend a support group? It is comforting to meet families who are walking this road with us, to hear their stories, and to be reminded that we are not alone in our grief. I want so desperately to go to these meetings and for them to wave their magic wand and take away the pain, the hurt, and the longing. Time, that is what they always say...time heals all wounds.

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Today, I would have been 39 weeks and 5 days pregnant. Oh how I miss being pregnant. Sure there were the backaches, the heartburn, the need to pee every few minutes, the swollen feet, and the hot flashes but when you are pregnant with an unknown outcome and may never be pregnant again, I found that I had a whole new appreciation for those discomforts. There was life within me and while Addy was in my womb, she was safe. I miss my baby belly, feeling the little wiggles, and the kicks in my right rib. Thankfully, my post pregnancy body is physically beginning to return to it's normal state.

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As time passes, we desire for our daughter to be remembered. We want to talk about our pregnancy, our labor, and our precious Addalyn. I know people are afraid to ask out of fear that it will make us sad or because they simply have no idea what to say (truly, we have no idea what to say to ourselves) but it also makes me sad when the topic is avoided. Sure you will have to embrace the tears but I want to share her story, to talk about her, and to remember.