Ultrasound #12...

Sweet Baby Addy's Valentine's Box Overfloweth...

We were simply amazed by the number of Valentines that Addalyn received. Valentines came from family, friends, co-workers, and complete strangers.  Amazing!  

Nate and I spent the evening of Valentine's Day reading all the cards. 

They were so personal...we laughed, we cried, and we were touched.

Thank you for loving Addalyn and for making her Valentine's Day (and her mommy and daddy's too) so very special.

And a big thank you to my hubby who came up with the idea. Addalyn is lucky to have such a special daddy. He loves her so very much.

30 Weeks (One Week Late)

Approaching 30 weeks was difficult for me. 30 weeks represents the last stretch of a pregnancy. It's the last few weeks where you scramble to finish the nursery, gather the last of the baby essentials, complete all the hospital classes, and prepare for a baby. Bitterness sets in when I think about what should be. I don't want to discuss an induction, a funeral home, a memorial service, or anything to do with death. It just simply should not be. I don't know how to answer the challenging questions or make all the arrangements. There are days when I want to just pull the covers up over my head and hide. 

I want to prepare for life without having to be preparing for death.

And her name is...

 Addalyn Lane

The hubs and I had a short little list of girls names and we easily picked Addalyn 
or Addy for short. 

Her middle name is after my youngest sister, Erica Lane. 

When the hubs and I started dating, Erica was 6 years old! Nate is the baby of his family so he didn't have a lot of experience with kids prior to dating me. Erica loved Nate from the day we started dating. When he would come over, she would crawl up on his lap, suck her thumb, and play with his ear. The first few times, Nate was really uncomfortable and weirded out but over time, it just became normal to him. 

We have had almost 15 ultrasounds and every time we get to see Addalyn, she has her hands covering her face. Never have we actually seen her cleft lip because her hands are right at her mouth. Nate decided early on that we needed to name Addalyn after her Aunt Erica because he is convinced that she is in there, ever so content sucking her thumb just like Erica used to do.  

Valentine's Day

A very special message from my hubby and Baby V's daddy...

First, I’d like to thank everyone who has given us so much love and support during this difficult time.  Your thoughts and prayers are very appreciated and we feel so blessed to have such amazing people in our lives.  This week, Aly and I would like to give you the chance to show our baby girl, Addalyn Lane, your love and support for her as well.

If you’re a regular visitor to this page, then you know that little Addy’s time with us is limited.  February 14^th, 2013, will likely be the only time our little girl experiences Valentine’s Day.  The idea that she would never get the chance to make a Valentine’s Day box with her mom, take it to school, and exchange valentines with her friends just didn’t seem fair to me.  So Aly and I decided we would make Addy her very own Valentine’s Day box.  Of course, I wanted it to be as cute as possible, so I just supervised…

We want this to be the most special Valentine’s Day that any little girl has ever experienced, and although Aly did a great job making the box, it’s not quite enough. 

We want you to be Addy’s valentine! 

We’d like to invite you to take a moment to make little Addy a Valentine’s Day card with a short (or long) personal message for her.  We love reading to Addy, and nothing would bring us more joy than to read your message to her.  However, if you’d like for Addy to hear your message in your own voice, feel free to buy one of those cards where you can record a message and we’ll play it for her. 

 

Again, I want to thank you all for your love and support and I want to especially thank you for making our baby girl feel loved.  I hope you all have a wonderful Valentine’s Day!

- Nate

 

  If you need our address, 

leave a comment with your email address and I will email our address to you.

 

It is the cry of this brokenhearted momma's heart that my daughter knows that she is loved. I don't know how to prepare to see her precious face for the first and last time. Will she know in the short amount of time that she in my arms that she is loved? 

Will she know how wanted she truly is? Will she be at peace?

I want, more than anything, for her to feel loved. 

One of the things that I was most excited about in thinking about becoming a momma was the moments when we would snuggle in the rocking chair and read. I remember those moments from my childhood and I was so excited to share those moments with my baby. So excited that I started buying books when I first found out that I was pregnant. Baby V's Aunt Emily and Nana also gave her some books.

While I may never have the opportunity to rock Baby V and read some of my favorite books to her, I don't want her to miss out on those moments. The hubs and I have a pile of books next to our bed and at night, we take turns reading to her. 

She is wanted and she is loved.

One of my coworkers and friends gave me a book recently that truly touched me. 

It is written by a momma that navigated the road that I am traveling before me and she writes in such a way that her words touched my soul. 

What a blessing this book was to me. 

28 Weeks

Do you ever have those moments when life seems to put you back in a place you never thought you would be again? Last night was one of those moments for me. 

When I was in nursing school, we did a community project where we chose an organization in the KC area to research and then educated the rest of the class on the mission of the organization. My group and I randomly stumbled across Alexandra's House. Alexandra's House is a perinatal hospice system for parents pregnant with babies who's life is expected to be limited. My group of peers and I toured Alexandra's House and met with Patti, the founder. We learned all about the services they provide and the amazing resource they can be to overwhelmed parents. 

Last night, I found myself back at Alexandra's House. Pulling up, I wished that I was that nursing student again working to finish an assignment. Instead, this time as my hubs and I pulled up, we were those overwhelmed and heartbroken parents whom Alexandra's House was created for. Never would I have imagined that I would be back on such different terms.

The hubs and I met with Patti, the founder of Alexandra's House. Her passion toward parents like us was evident. She is so genuine, compassionate, and loving. We felt at home. 

What a blessing Alexandra's House is to the Kansas City community. 

http://www.alexandrashouse.com/

When we found out at 12 weeks that Baby V had a cystic hygroma, we were presented with the option of termination. Never would I have imagined that I would ponder termination but I would be lying to say that it didn't cross my mind. We knew that a miscarriage was possible but we wanted to give Baby V a fighting chance...and a fight she has given.

At 18 weeks, the cystic hygroma had resolved and things were looking good. If you have been keeping up with her progress, you know that at 24 weeks, things took a turn in the wrong direction. After many challenging conversations, the hubs and I agreed that we wanted to do what was best for our daughter. She is wanted and she is loved. Hearing the fetal health team talk about all the anomalies and her prognosis, we struggled (and so did they) to think that all the medical interventions are what is best for her. It is so conflicting for your head to tell you one thing but for your heart to tell you something completely different. How do you prepare to welcome your baby into the world knowing that soon after you will be saying goodbye? 

It is to difficult to ponder the unknown and we would never judge anyone for the choice that they make. Trust me, there is no guide for this.  If we could do everything under the sun and know that Baby V would have a quality life, we would. Any expecting momma and daddy would.  We didn't want to play God at 12 weeks and terminate but we also don't want to put her through a mounting list of needed medical interventions believing in our hearts that it won't provide a quality life for her. In the arms of Jesus, Baby V won't struggle...she will be at peace...something we can't provide her here on this Earth.

She is wanted and she is loved.

This momma's heart weeps at the thought of what is to come. 

I have no idea how to begin to navigate the world of palliative care.

I know that I am nowhere near ready to face what is to come, how could you ever be. 

I love my baby girl so very much. 

Happy Birthday to the love of my life...