Sometimes you just have to keep it real...
I try to stay positive and reflect on the blessings of our journey...my hubs, the love and support from our family and friends, our wonderful OB and the delivery nurses, Alexandra's House, our time with Addy, that Emily was able to delay her start date at her new job to be home with me during the month of April, and the list could go on. I remind myself, like the grief books say, that I am going to be ok. I truly am grateful but sometimes life is just difficult and the pain in my weary heart burns just a little bit more.
My tears and I made it through my postpartum appointment on Wednesday but it has hard. The office is full of pamplets and posters with "Tips For Making Breastfeeding Easier" and "Ways to Bond With Your Baby." There are pregnant momma's glowing as they wait for their appointments and new momma's lugging in car seats filled with a bundle of joy adorning the waiting room. And then there is me. Why me? Why couldn't Addy's prognosis be different.
Feeling accomplished that I survived the appointment, my spirit was dampened after going to the mailbox when I returned home. I was greeted by a bill from the hospital for several thousand dollars with a note attached stating that my insurance denied our claims and we would need to pay out of pocket. In all our planning, I was very meticulous about verifying our coverage every step of the way so I called the insurance company for clarification. After explaining the bill, I realized that the hospital billed the insurance company on behalf of "Addalyn Lane Voigt." It never dawned on me to add Addy to our insurance policy but Addy had a few x-rays and a skeletal survey after she was born so the hospital submitted the claim to the insurance company. This momma just wants to know why our precious Addy had such a sad prognosis, not because it would make the hurt less but because without knowing why, we don't know that we would ever get pregnant again. Walking Addy's journey was hard but we went at it blind, not truly ever knowing what was ahead for the love of our daughter. Walking the road a second time knowing what was ahead seems impossible. Thus, at the recommendation of the genetics team, we did a couple of noninvasive tests after her birth in hopes to get answers (that is a post for another time). The insurance company said it would be fairly easy to add Addy to our coverage and cover the claims until they realized that she was born over 30 days ago. I had no idea I needed to add her to our plan and certainly didn't know that it had to be within 30 days of her birth. The rep from the insurance company was very nice and tried to console my tears. A few more phone calls requiring me to explain Addy's journey to a few more people and I was assured that the insurance company would follow up with the hospital to reexamine the claims.
As if that conversation was not enough, Thursday brought more. My manager has been so wonderful over the course of the past 9 months, allowing me to take the time I needed away from work. She is being very flexible with my return to work as a pediatric nurse which has been such a blessing. I guess that technically my return to work date per my short term disability company was Monday. They approved me for taking 6 weeks so that I could physically heal from the delivery. I assumed that I could take 6 additional weeks of leave (although I was not planning to stay home for another 6 weeks) under FMLA. After a call to the company, I learned that my time off coverage ended on Monday. When I inquired why my coworkers were covered to stay home for 12 weeks after having their babies, I learned that like me they were given 6 weeks to physically recover and the second 6 weeks were given to them to "have time to bond with their babies." Since I "don't have a medical need to stay home or a baby at home to bond with, I should have returned to work after 6 weeks." The hole in my heart got a little deeper as he continued to explain the policy. The rep gave me a few other options and again with a few more phone calls each requiring me to tell Addy's journey, in the end it will be fine. Nonetheless, I certainly think that a broken heart from the passing of my beloved daughter should constitute a medical need to extend my leave. Thankfully my manager understands that 6 weeks was just not enough time for me and has allowed me to do what is best for me in terms of my return to work date.
Having a very heavy heart from the unexpected things I have had to deal with this week, I went to the mailbox today and found this...
My dear friend Casie, who has been my "phone a friend" lifeline over the past 6 weeks had told me it would come in the mail one day. Casie welcomed her precious son a few weeks before Addy so she has been my postpartum guide. I am so grateful for such a supportive friend, she read my very first pregnancy test for me and since she has faithfully followed our journey. Despite Casie telling me that Addy's social security card would come in the mail, getting this little piece of paper stung. The line on the top states, "Do not sign until 18 or your first job, whichever comes first." That line brought me to tears.
My Addy's card will never get signed.
It has been a hard week with unexpected things that have had to be dealt with.
In due time, I know these bumps in the road will pass but right now, life seems like a mountain and I have very little strength to climb.
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