Operation Smile

At 18 weeks pregnant, a sonogram revealed that my Addalyn had a cleft lip and potentially a palate too. The cystic hygroma that was found at 12 weeks had resolved and Addy's only "imperfection" was cosmetic. She was growing (and my belly was too) and just as active as she could be.

I researched all that I could on cleft lips and palates and tried to soak in every bit of knowledge to be as prepared as possible. I knew the plastic surgeon, the surgeries, and the timeline for operation. I knew the nipples and bottles we would need to invest in and the feeding aversion we would potentially face. I knew the possible speech challenges and the dental involvement. I talked with other parents, nurses, and doctors to absorb all that I could. In a pregnancy that had been so far beyond my cookie cutter vision of perfection, a cleft lip and palate was something that could be "fixed."

In my time scowering the internet for all knowledge I could glean, I found myself closing my eyes and attempting to envisioned that moment that I would hand my Addy off for her surgical repair and wait patiently to see her new lip. I tried to imagine what that moment would be like to be reunited. I often questioned if I would recognize her or what the first emotion conjured would be. And a part of me wondered if I would miss the lip that I had come to love.

If you have ventured over to this blog for long, you know that at 24 weeks pregnant (just two days after Christmas 2012), an MRI revealed other complications in Addalyn's development. By 28 weeks, we knew that her life would be limited.

Her time with us was so short, she laid in my arms for mere hours. 

But she was absolutely perfect and I could not be more proud to be her momma. 
And forever her momma I will be.

One of my most favorite features were her lips. 
I traced her cleft lip with my finger more times than I could count and kissed her so sweet mouth over and over. My Addalyn was beautiful.

On my 28th birthday, just three months after her passing, I made a 'Year 28 Bucket List' for myself. I felt empty and hated that I my year would be filled with milestones being marked by the "first ___ without my child." So, I comprised a list of things to accomplish before my 29th birthday. It was my way of giving myself something to look forward to in a year that would undoubtedly be grueling. There were small things and then there were big, big things. I told myself to give it my best effort and if I fall short of accomplishing them all, at least it gave me something to strive for in my valley of darkness.

Again, if you have been here long, you know that in September my world came crashing down on me again. I was depleted and empty and all I could do was pray for hope (Jeremiah 29:11). In my brokenness, I pulled out my 'Year 28 Bucket List' and picked the biggest thing.

To honor my Addy, the biggest box to be checked was to submit an application to volunteer with Operation Smile.  Operation Smile, an organization that I found while researching Addy's cleft lip and palate, provides free surgical repairs to children in need around the world. I skimmed the mission statement and intertwined was a sentence that I haven't been able to get out of my head..."Every child deserves a future filled with hope." 

There is was again...hope...my word, my verse, and my prayer.

In September 2013, I submitted my paperwork to volunteer on an international mission with Operation Smile. Months passed and I hadn't heard back so in April, I called to check on the status of my application. Within one week (and a quick appeal process), I received an email stating that my credentialing had been approved.  Outlined in the email was an explanation that typically it takes up to a year before I would be able to actually board a plane bound for my destination. 

Less than a week later, I was literally on the Operation Smile website scanning upcoming missions when my phone rang. I never answer unknown numbers but for some reason I did and the tears started flowing as the coordinator was looking for a few last minute volunteers. I had prepared my heart to wait another year and this mission was just a mere 5 weeks away...and less than one month before my 29th birthday. Within 24 hours, my time off request had been approved, a few wonderful coworkers agreed to cover a few shifts for me, and all was set. 

There is no other way to describe how it all simply fell into place then God at work. 

In June, I will be traveling with a medical team comprised of Operation Smile volunteers to the Philippines to preform cleft lip and palate repairs. I don't know anyone going but I believe so deeply that this is where God has orchestrated for me to be...for me...to honor the memory of my Addy...to give another momma a moment that I was never able to experience...to pay forward the hope that Christ has renewed in me.

My heart is so full in anticipation for this opportunity.  
This life I am living is not want I had envisioned but my God is a God of hope.