34 Weeks

I know I have said it before, but it feels like I have been pregnant forever yet at the same time, it is hard to believe that we are 34 weeks pregnant. 
It is one of those bittersweet aspects to our journey. 

I truly love the feeling of being pregnant but given our circumstance, it is also rather difficult. I get asked random questions all the time. If you have ever been pregnant, you know what I mean. It's inevitable  because people love pregnancy. If it is someone I don't know, I answer the questions then move on...it is my first baby, it's a girl, she is due in April, and her name is Addalyn. On the other hand, if it is someone I know, I feel the need to explain our situation rather then just let them keep asking questions.  I let the wind out of their sails when I explain Addy's story. I watch as their smile fades and tears well up in their eyes. As they begin to apologize, I find myself feeling the need to comfort them. I say things like, "it's going to be ok" and "you didn't know so please don't feel bad for asking." I cry every time I find myself in this situation, it breaks my heart. It is emotionally exhausting.  I wish so much that Addy's story would be different. 

As difficult as it is to be pregnant, I don't think I am ready for the conversations that will ensue post pregnancy. I can picture being asked, "do you have any children?" Surely saying yes would lead to the next question, "how old is she." I would have to answers, "she would have been..."  I don't want to have those conversations either. I also don't want to be driving and face the realization that it is just me in the car. Right now, I spend my time in the car talking to Addy. It is our time and I dread the thought of being alone. I will miss feeling Addalyn wiggle and having Nate rub my belly. I will miss seeing him be amazed as he feels his baby girl kick.  Being pregnant has become a part of who I am so despite the awkward conversations, I am scared to not be pregnant anymore.

I know that I will never be ready to face what is to come but the reality is, my days of being a pregnant momma are fading. As hard as it is to be pregnant, it is equally hard to think about not being pregnant. Oh so bittersweet.

Nate's Alma Mater...

Praying for Peace

Today, the hubs and I met with the palliative care doctor at Saint Luke's as well as the fetal health coordinator to discuss the day when we meet Addalyn. While I find myself fighting back tears during almost any appointment, the unknown is terrifying to me so anything we can do to help alleviate some of the anxiety is helpful. This meeting allowed us to ask questions about things that can be done to help ensure that Addy is comfortable after she is born and to discuss our wishes in terms of aftercare. Strange conversations I tell you but necessary so that our wishes are known in advance which we hope will allow us to savor our time with Addy.

 
As I was driving home from the appointment today, I found myself hoping for a sense of peace and for time so I am asking for prayers for those very things...

Through our journey, we have been faced with challenging and difficult decisions at every turn.  I would never have imagined there would be so many things to plan. When we try to have conversations regarding our desires, we both end up in tears. What we want is to be able to welcome a healthy baby girl into the world and sadly, that is just not a reality for us.  As Nate and I struggle to make all the difficult decisions, I pray for wisdom, guidance, and a sense of peace. 

.........

 We know that precious Addalyn's life is limited and we have heard estimates that she may live between 1-2 hours.  Such is life though that nothing is guaranteed, but this momma desires more time.  We have to fit a lifetime of love, hugs, snuggles, and kisses in before we have to wait our lifetime to see Addalyn again. It is my prayer that we will have time with Addy. No amount will ever be enough that I will be ready to say goodbye but I pray for time with my precious baby girl.

There are no guarantees in life, seize the little moments...

 

Embrace today!

32 Weeks

We had what we expect to be our last ultrasound on Wednesday. There were no changes, good or bad, in Addalyn's condition. Her anomalies were still present and the amniotic fluid was sparse. She is on par with the growth chart for her gestational age and her heart is as strong as ever...142 beats per minute! Her little head is still in the right lower quadrant, her bottom in the upper left quadrant, and of course her hands were up by her face (the lack of amniotic fluid prevents her from moving around).

While it is always neat to get to see Addalyn, the ultrasounds are difficult. I wish I could say they provide comfort but in actuality they make both Nate and I anxious. It is their responsibility to tell us what they see but hearing all the problems just makes us sad. Addalyn wiggles and kicks enough to remind me that she is present (and Nate has actually been able to feel her a couple of times! She is most active around storytime at night...I think she likes being read to!) and since we know her prognosis, we didn't feel it was necessary to continue to have the ultrasounds. The perinatologist was fine with that...she actually said if they were comforting then we could do them weekly but since they aren't then there is no need to keep doing them. Perhaps it is living in denial but I prefer just to feel her moving and watch my belly grow than to go weekly for an ultrasound to have to be reminded of all the problems. 

I love being pregnant. It is simply a miracle that there is life within me. I am fascinated with my ever growing and changing body and the fact that I can feel Addalyn's every move. Nate has commented before that we are going to stay pregnant forever...at least we know that Addalyn is safe within her little womb.

Ultrasound #12...

Sweet Baby Addy's Valentine's Box Overfloweth...

We were simply amazed by the number of Valentines that Addalyn received. Valentines came from family, friends, co-workers, and complete strangers.  Amazing!  

Nate and I spent the evening of Valentine's Day reading all the cards. 

They were so personal...we laughed, we cried, and we were touched.

Thank you for loving Addalyn and for making her Valentine's Day (and her mommy and daddy's too) so very special.

And a big thank you to my hubby who came up with the idea. Addalyn is lucky to have such a special daddy. He loves her so very much.

30 Weeks (One Week Late)

Approaching 30 weeks was difficult for me. 30 weeks represents the last stretch of a pregnancy. It's the last few weeks where you scramble to finish the nursery, gather the last of the baby essentials, complete all the hospital classes, and prepare for a baby. Bitterness sets in when I think about what should be. I don't want to discuss an induction, a funeral home, a memorial service, or anything to do with death. It just simply should not be. I don't know how to answer the challenging questions or make all the arrangements. There are days when I want to just pull the covers up over my head and hide. 

I want to prepare for life without having to be preparing for death.

And her name is...

 Addalyn Lane

The hubs and I had a short little list of girls names and we easily picked Addalyn 
or Addy for short. 

Her middle name is after my youngest sister, Erica Lane. 

When the hubs and I started dating, Erica was 6 years old! Nate is the baby of his family so he didn't have a lot of experience with kids prior to dating me. Erica loved Nate from the day we started dating. When he would come over, she would crawl up on his lap, suck her thumb, and play with his ear. The first few times, Nate was really uncomfortable and weirded out but over time, it just became normal to him. 

We have had almost 15 ultrasounds and every time we get to see Addalyn, she has her hands covering her face. Never have we actually seen her cleft lip because her hands are right at her mouth. Nate decided early on that we needed to name Addalyn after her Aunt Erica because he is convinced that she is in there, ever so content sucking her thumb just like Erica used to do.