When we met with our OB at 32 weeks, we discussed scheduling an induction date. It was impossible to pick a date, as it made us feel like we had a countdown until reality would hit us. Our doctor felt it was best to not go past 37 weeks and Nate and I agreed that we didn't want to be induced before 36. Our OB is amazing and she supported every decision that we made. She never substituted her medical knowledge for our parental instincts so the plan was to meet with our OB on March 21st for my 36 week appointment and she would tell us exactly what date we would come in to be induced based on my cervix. Our tentative induction date was Monday, March 25th.
Such as most things in our pregnancy, plans changed as Addalyn decided she wanted to make her entrance into the world a week early.
My mom and Audrey stayed the night at our house on Sunday March 17th. They had an early flight on Monday morning to fly to Salt Lake City to join Emily in the second leg of her drive home from San Francisco. I got up at 4:30am to take them to the airport and when I went to the bathroom, I noticed that I had a little bleeding. I felt fine - no cramping or discomfort. I asked my mom, who has given birth to 7 kids, and she said that light bleeding is common when the cervix begins to dilate. I didn't think much of it so we headed out to get them to the airport to catch their 6:15am flight.
As I pulled back into my garage and got out of my car, a gush of fluid ran down my leg. I found Nate and I started bawling. I told him that I thought my water broke and that we needed to call the doctor. He remained calm but he was confused as we had been told all along that I would not know if my water broke because Addy's kidneys were essentially non functioning leaving me without amniotic fluid. I put a load of Addy's blankets in the washing machine (it was the last thing on my to do list for the week), packed our hospital bags, packed Addy's bag (we picked out a special outfit, hat, and socks for her to wear, and also packed special baby soap and lotion for her) and I took a shower. I was hoping that this was a false alarm but as I continued to run around our house trying to get everything together, fluid continued to run out of me.
I put
my scrubs on to prepare to go to work and Nate put his work clothes on too…we were
hoping it was a false alarm and we could head to work. At 6:59am, I paged the
on call doctor. The OB returned my call about 40 minutes later. I tried
to talk to her but I just kept crying. I first explained that I knew my OB was out of town this week (she had told us that she would be on vacation for a few days and it just so happened that she would be out until Thursday) and I explained that my mom and two of my sisters were somewhere between KC and Salt Lake City. As I continued to cry, I explained the blood and the continual
fluid and she explained that it sounded like my water broke. I explained
that was not possible because I didn’t have amniotic fluid but she instructed us
to come in to labor and delivery to be checked. I was overwhelmed and scared. This could not be happening, not without my doctor, my mom, or two of my sisters. Nate held my hand and we sat in silence as we drove to the hospital.
We got to the hospital around 8:30
and we were greeted by a nurse. She asked for us to explain our story and
again, I bawled. Nate had to do the talking. The OB checked my cervix, 1 cm dilated and 20% effaced. The first test to see if
my water broke was inconclusive. The second test was instantly positive and we were being admitted. Again,
I cried. The OB apologized that my OB could not be there and she also
explained that they didn’t have my records yet because they were still at the
doctor’s office so they were waiting for them to be faxed. Thankfully I had packed a copy
of our birth plan that we spent so long carefully planning and I gave it to the nurse. How could this be
happening…no mom, no OB, and no records.
The nurse gave Nate and I a few minutes to ourselves before she took us to the labor and delivery department. He held my hand and told me how much he loved me. We both cried.
I tried to get a hold of my mom but she
was en route to Denver so I kept getting her voicemail. I called Emily and she
said she would try to get ahold of mom during their layover. I texted my
siblings and called my boss. Sweet baby Addy had a plan of her own and she was
ready for us to meet her. We tried to focus on the joy of finally getting to meet our daughter but everything felt so out of control and we thought we would have one more week of being pregnant.
Once we got to our room, the nurse completed all the admission paperwork, started my IV, got some labs, and at 11:40am placed the cervidil. It had been a whirlwind of a
morning, we just wanted to go home and come back next week. We just were not
ready for what was to come. The nurse explained that the plan was to remove the
cervidil after 12 hours, reexamine my cervix, then start Pitocin. Luckly, my mom got a
return flight from Denver so she made it back to KC around 1. She left Audrey
in Denver and Emily was going to drive to Denver to pick her up and together they would make the rest of the journey home. My dad picked
my mom up at the airport and they along with Nate's dad met us at the hospital.
At 1:30, I felt another gush of fluid and when I looked
down, the cervidil had come out with the gush of fluids. I put my call light on
and the nurse said she needed to call the doctor. She said I could get up to go to
the bathroom and to eat. Our dads had picked up Cheesecake Factory. I had
potstickers, orange chicken, and a slice of cheesecake. I ate like it was the last meal that I might ever be able to eat and it was delicious.
At 3:30pm the nurse started Pitocin and our families began to visit us. We were so grateful that both our parents, all our siblings and siblings-in-law, and my grandparents were able to make it to the hospital. Around 8pm, the contractions started to
pickup. They were now about 3 minutes apart and more painful on the left side.
I told Nate it was so unfair to have to experience labor only to know that our
baby would not survive. He cuddled with me and reassured me that I was doing a good job. My night nurse could tell that I was getting
more uncomfortable. She was a pretty amazing nurse and I am so grateful for her. She called the OB in and he checked my cervix, 2cm dilated and 80% effaced. An entire afternoon of laboring and I was
only 2 cm dilated. I was physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. The nurse convinced me to get an epidural, she was worried that if I wasn’t able to sleep
that the fatigue would set during my time with Addy and she didn’t want me to
miss those moments. I got an epidural at 10pm. Our families came back by to say goodnight and we promised to keep them updated on the labor through the night. Nate and I read Addy all the books that we had packed like we have done throughout our pregnancy. Then Nate made his bed in the recliner instead of on the convertible couch so that he could be next to me. He rubbed my head as we feel asleep around midnight. He is the best hubby.
At 3am, the OB rechecked me and I was 3 cm dilated and 100 % effaced. I tried to go back to sleep but I could tell
my contractions were picking up and I could feel them on my left side. I called the nurse in and I repositioned to my left side to see if that helped. It didn’t, I
could still feel them. She called anesthesia and he tried to reposition the epidural
catheter but still I could feel everything on the left. My nurse was such a good
advocate for me, I think she could tell how overwhelmed and scared I was and she did everything possible to help ease my anxiety. At 5am, anesthesia placed a second epidural and I slept.
At 7:15am, the night nurse brought the day nurse in to meet
me. I didn't want to see my night nurse go, she was just so good in our unique situation. I repositioned from laying on my left side to sitting up in bed. As I
repositioned, I felt pressure. I said that out loud and the day nurse looked at
me like I had said something crazy. She said she needed to check me. She did and she
said I was fully dilated and that she could feel Addy's head. I bawled, I was
not ready. The night nurse stayed, stood right by my side, and held my hand while Nate brought me my toothbrush and a washcloth to wash my face. I called my mom to
alert the family and Nate called the photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. Nate went into
the bathroom to brush his teeth and put in his contacts. When he came out my
legs were in the stirrups, a light had dropped from the ceiling, and the OB was sitting at the end of my bed. He had a look of pure shock on his face. Everything happened so fast.
7:30am I began pushing with Nate holding tight to my right hand and the night nurse standing at my left side. The infant loss L&D RN
grabbed my camera and took lots of pictures for us (I am so grateful that she thought to do this, she captured moments that we will never get back). Nate and I both cried. He held my hand and with his other hand he
stroked my head. He was so comforting.
After 4 pushes, Addalyn Lane Voigt was
born at 7:49am.
The doctor laid her on my belly and a love that I have never experienced came over me.
Nate and I spent time alone with Addy soaking in the preciousness of our daughter.
We held her, kissed her, bathed her, and told her how much we will always and forever love her.
She never cried but she looked at peace, an answer to this momma's prayer.
At 9:30am we were joined by Addalyn’s nanas, papas, great grandparents,
all her aunts and uncles, and one of her cousins. They took turns holding her,
loving her, and admiring how precious she was. Nate's brother Jim said a prayer of
dedication.
There were lots of tears but we were so grateful that our family
was able to meet Addy.
She was surrounded by so many that love her so
dearly.
After our families left, Nate and I spent the afternoon with Addalyn. We held her,
told her things we wanted her to know, and Nate even read Frog and Toad to her.
We wish so much that we could do it all over again. Not to change anything, but because we long to be able to hold our daughter again, to kiss her precious little lips, and to tell her how much she is loved.
Addalyn, until we meet again may you always and forever know how loved you are.
We miss you so very much our sweet precious baby girl.
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