I know I have said it before, but it feels like I have been pregnant forever yet at the same time, it is hard to believe that we are 34 weeks pregnant.
It is one of those bittersweet aspects to our journey.
I truly love the feeling of being pregnant but given our circumstance, it is also rather difficult. I get asked random questions all the time. If you have ever been pregnant, you know what I mean. It's inevitable because people love pregnancy. If it is someone I don't know, I answer the questions then move on...it is my first baby, it's a girl, she is due in April, and her name is Addalyn. On the other hand, if it is someone I know, I feel the need to explain our situation rather then just let them keep asking questions. I let the wind out of their sails when I explain Addy's story. I watch as their smile fades and tears well up in their eyes. As they begin to apologize, I find myself feeling the need to comfort them. I say things like, "it's going to be ok" and "you didn't know so please don't feel bad for asking." I cry every time I find myself in this situation, it breaks my heart. It is emotionally exhausting. I wish so much that Addy's story would be different.
As difficult as it is to be pregnant, I don't think I am ready for the conversations that will ensue post pregnancy. I can picture being asked, "do you have any children?" Surely saying yes would lead to the next question, "how old is she." I would have to answers, "she would have been..." I don't want to have those conversations either. I also don't want to be driving and face the realization that it is just me in the car. Right now, I spend my time in the car talking to Addy. It is our time and I dread the thought of being alone. I will miss feeling Addalyn wiggle and having Nate rub my belly. I will miss seeing him be amazed as he feels his baby girl kick. Being pregnant has become a part of who I am so despite the awkward conversations, I am scared to not be pregnant anymore.
I know that I will never be ready to face what is to come but the reality is, my days of being a pregnant momma are fading. As hard as it is to be pregnant, it is equally hard to think about not being pregnant. Oh so bittersweet.