The Sacred Search...

News Flash...I still know not a darn thing about dating.

Well, other than it is down right terrifying.

#CanIGetAnAmen  #FromSomeoneWhoIsActuallyInTheDatingWorld

In high school, I was not an athlete. I could not hold or carry a tune nor do I have any right to be on a stage. So, I guess my thing was studying. How pathetic does that sound? It's true though. I focused on my grades and I spent a lot of time studying. Such was true in college too. Of my fondest college memories, were my times spent with one of my very best friends cramming at the library...usually with a pizza, lots of diagrams, diet coke, and a whole lot of laughter.

Given that I know not a darn thing about dating, I decided it was time to start studying. 
To prepare...myself and my very tender heart. If that is even possible. 
At least to read up on the subject matter.  

Insert the most happiest of dances when I borrowed the book The Sacred Search.

Twas' so good! I read parts aloud for my roomie (God bless her sweet and patient soul), added post-it notes to about every other page, summarized sections for anyone who would listen, and then ended up ordering my very own copy.  I mean honestly, this book had me looking at my failed marriage from about 29,302,435,438 angles and left me feeling...dare I say...somewhat excited about my future spouse. I know right!

Since we are looking ahead and not behind, I'll spare the ways in which I analyzed my past but give ya the two things that keep replaying in my head from my read. Really, it's 4,839,483 things but you just gotta read it for yourself {if you are unmarried that it..but if you are not, he does write on marriage and parenting but I can't speak to those just yet}. 

Let's do this...

Marry someone who you want your children to become. 

Um, yes. It makes perfect sense. Character, drive, integrity, spirit. If you don't want your future littles to grow up to become like your potential spouse, red flag.  How have I never considered this? Noted.

Marry for who the person is and not for who you intend for them to become. 

Sounds odd, but again it just clicked.  Someday they will or someday they won't.  "Someday they will share my ___ {faith, desire for a family, vision for the future} they are just in a season of uncertainty." "Someday they will outgrow or stop ______." Friends, someday may never come. If it is important, don't compromise because you see potential, you have history, or because you expect it from them. Marriage is not a magic wand. They may "never come around" because it is not who they are. Marry for who they are and not who you think they can be, should be, or will become. Again, duly noted.

And the last chapter of the book was about having your bestie prescreen all potential dates. 

It's her roll to wean out all the creepers, if ya will. 
{That part was just in the abridged version in my head, but I'm down if someone takes on the dirty work for me.}

 Anyone have any other good reads they recommend? 
Study up and let's do this!

Ushering in 2015...

2014.

It came in like a wrecking ball...ha. I couldn't help myself.

Oh 2014, forever the year most notably marked by the ending of my marriage and the word that still makes my stomach churn...divorce.  But, much to my surprise, 2014 brought it's A game.  Big things happened. Big, big things and a whole lot of healing. 

The top six events that made 2014 good for the soul:

 (in chronological order because duh, #TypeA)

1. 

I acquired roomies! 

I wasn't sure how the transition from suddenly living on my own to suddenly having two of my sisters living with me would go. But as it turns out, it has been a huge blessing.

2. 

Addy's Birthday Party

A day marked by sadness was filled with joy as my family and friends gathered to celebrate my beloved daughter. Forever celebrated she will be.

3. 

Girls Trip to the Rocky Mountains

The tranquility of the open, hiking, rafting, and just being together did my heart good.

 (well maybe not the rafting part)

4.  

Operation Smile

Um, I went to the Philippines. It was undoubtedly a trip I will never forget. I am still in awe of the way in which it came together. 

5.  

My Biggest Brother got Married

It was a big day. A big day that came for them and I could not be more proud. 

Welcome to our crazy fam, Chase. 

6.  

We ran a half!

We started from ground zero, as in being able to run 0 miles, and completed all 13.1! 

What a good year it was indeed! 

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I'm not big on New Year's Resolutions. For me, it is just one more area to judge my worth based on my own standards. And I am certain I would start strong but inadvertently fail. Rather than a list of musts, I dream big with my yearly bucket list. There is no failing when it comes to the bucket list, just dreams that I focus on before my next birthday. If they don't pan out, I don't fail. If they do, I celebrate.

In place of a resolution, I pick a word. For 2014, it was hope. To seek out and reflect on how hope was prevailing. And it sure did.  The word for 2015 that keeps coming to mind is intentional. With my time, with my resources, and with my relationships, I want to be intentional.  Present, aware, and invested.

Here is to 2015.

Bring it.

Christmas Eve 2014 {I Flat Out Failed}

Christmas is hard. 

I know that I am healing and I am content with where my life is at the present but the truth is I failed on Christmas Eve.

Destined to make the Christmas season better than it was last year, I started celebrating early and have felt the holiday cheer for weeks. That is until Christmas Eve. 

I was the co-chair to the dinner feast for my family and in an attempt to make everyone feel included, my best efforts included prepping and partly baking dinner at my house and then transporting it to my parents an hour away. Once there, we would bake the last minute things and dinner would be served with adequate time to spare in order to make it to Christmas Eve service.

 

The plan in my head played out smoother than reality allowed. Don't I know this all too well. The last few things that needed to bake just refused to fully cook and in frustration I launched them into the microwave while snapping at my optimistic sister. Microwaved potatoes, paired with undercooked carrots, and 'not really hot anymore' chicken was served an hour later than it was to be in the plan I envisioned. The dinner that failed my expectations was graciously scarfed down without time to converse and out the door we sprinted, making it to Christmas Eve service just in the niche of time. All the while, dessert remained unbaked on top of the oven because there was just no time.
 

My anxiety was through the roof. 

I was frustrated and disappointed with how it all panned out. 

Simply put, I was a gem to be around and truly reflected the joy that is Christmas. 

#NailedIt

You see Christmas Eve holds hard memories for me.

It was 7 years ago on Christmas Eve that he proposed. And it was 2 years ago that I opened gifts for my baby girl who was still in my womb and had yet to know her prognosis. And it was last year that I dreadfully gathered around the tree so broken and wishing that I could hide and avoid the season all together.  And so to overcome the seemly broken memories, the perfectly planned dinner was going to swoop in and overshadow the bad, a quick and easy fix. Don't we remember how it played out last time I thought I had a brilliant plan to fix what was broken?

 

Yet in my head, I envisioned a day where everyone had a chance to enjoy the perfectly executed Christmas Eve dinner and then together we would jaunt off to service so full and jolly. In my head it was perfect. And in my head, it was going to redeem Christmas Eve.
 

But, that perfect plan flopped. And instead, I internally battled the weight of the day. 

I wallowed in the past and allowed it to rob the joy of the present.
 

Secretly, I wanted so desperately to make Christmas Eve feel different that instead I allowed my frustration with what I can't change be manifest through a dinner that failed my expectation. I could not fix my marriage nor could I fix my daughter, what I could fix was the most perfect dinner to overshadow deep seeded feelings.
 

And did it work, of course not.
 

I can't fully put into words how different I feel now than I did last year. 

There is joy when I didn't think there ever would be. I feel peace and happiness and comfort and contentment. I know He has a plan, I believe it to my core.
 

But the reality is, those bad days come. Days when the gravity of life just wreck my spirit. And trying to cover it instead of embrace it for what it is didn't work.
 

So on Christmas morning, when I opened Addy's stocking and found it full of pictures from those who love her most, I sobbed. Bad days come. They come in full force but seeing the stack of photos reminded me how deeply blessed I am.

And so as I have had to do many times before...

I picked myself up, dusted off the bad day, took a deep breath, and looked ahead to the good that lays before me.

Merry Christmas dear friends. 

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May the God of hope fill you with joy and peace,

 so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. 

- Romans 15:13

Sharing Addy's Story

Don't we all have parts of our stories we would change if left to our own accord? 

Don't we think, 'if I were in charge, I would...', only to be reminded that we are indeed not in control. If left to me, my journey would have looked different. But, this is my story and I want to embrace the hope that has enfolded through the hurt. 

I was recently asked to share Addy's story and the healing that I have found through Alexandra's House. I don't need to share nor do I share for me. I agreed to share the hard parts of my story, because I deeply believe that hope brings healing.

You can find the link to the news story here.

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And while I am sharing links...Inside Pediatrics: Children's Mercy Kansas City recently aired. 

This six part series follows patients through their medical jounrey. The series hit home for me because it is the very hospital where I work. It made me proud to see the work being done everyday be captured. And, it hit home for me as it follows the journey of the two families who found themselves sitting around the very conference table in the Fetal Health Center just like I once did.

When you have time, you should watch the series. You can find the series here.