Colorado Roadtrip

I have four little sisters.

To me, they have always been just that…little.

Except for maybe Emily, who is the closest in age to me, I still see the “little girls” as being 6, 7, and 9 years old.

When Abby and Audrey moved in with me in January, I had a very strange moment when in the midst of a having a real life conversation with them, I realized that they are indeed adults. I know they are 23 and 21 and that the baby in the family, Erica, is 20 but to talk about life with them was surreal.

When my life spiraled, there they were in so many capacities. My family and my closest friends have held me when I was at my darkest.  When I could not, they did.

As a way to celebrate the accomplishments of this year (both Abby and Audrey graduated from college), my sisters, mom, and I embarked on our first ever Girls Trip. It was a week of togetherness, of experiencing something new, and of taking in the goodness of God’s creation in Estes Park, Colorado. 

Envisioning a nice and tranquil raft ride, we went white water rafting on the Poudre River in Fort Collins, CO. One of us, who shall remain nameless, managed to fall out of the raft not once but twice. The water level was high, the rapids intense (Class IV…as an inexperienced rafter, I have no idea what that means), and the water only 34 degrees! 

It was an insane 12 mile ride that confirmed something that I have known forever…in our family, I am not nor will I ever be the adrenaline junkie. Although beautiful and exhilarating, I wanted to curl up in a ball at the bottom of the raft but the guide kept yelling “Forward” which was our command to paddle. By the tone of his voice, it was apparent when he too was scared or nervous and I have never been more thrilled to pile into a school bus once we made it to the final destination! 

My mom and sisters enjoyed the ride and I am pretty proud to say that I survived!

More my speed, was hiking in Rocky Mountain National Park. 
We hiked three different trails, totaling 12 miles.

 

Standing at the top of the mountain, I was in awe of the splendor of creation. 

I have felt like I have been climbing a mountain over the past couple of years and to stand at the top and think literally and figuratively about how far I have come was empowering.

 

And naturally, looking around at the bottom of the mountain and at the top and seeing those familiar faces was no surprise. Always there, regardless if it is a peak or a valley. 

And, with every step, my Addy was with us. 
May she know the depth of her momma’s love for her. 

Wherever I go, she goes with me…even if that is at the top of a mountain.

This trip was just what I needed to refuel my soul. 

Laughter, encouragement, and quality girl time does a heart good.

I would love recommendations for favorite vacation destinations.
My head is already spinning with where we could venture next.
#teameagleroadies

5k

Abby and I rolled out of bed way too early for a Saturday and ran a 5K today! 

She has been encouraging me to train with her so a couple of months ago, we signed up for the Global Orphan 5K.

When Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep was featured on Sevenly (read about that here), I saw these tanks and thought they would be perfect for our run to honor my precious Addy! Half of being a runner is looking the part and what better than a "Too Precious to Forget" shirt!

We were a little early so while most people stretched, we kept ourselves entertained. 

Our Brother-In-Law ran too 

(only not with us because his pace was a little swifter than ours).

Our goal was honestly just to finish so we were surprised when our time was 4 minutes faster than our training time! 

Up next, a 10k and then perhaps a half marathon! 

One Point For Life

I have high standards for myself and I know that.

I deeply want to feel "normal" in whatever capacity that is so I push myself, sometimes failing to recognize that even though I want to feel "good" at times there is just too much and that isn't obtainable. It is ok to be sad, to grieve, to feel the hurt. 

There are days, or even weeks, when life just wins.

This week, life is winning.

Sunday was Mother's Day and as much as I tried to tell myself that I was ok, I could feel the hurt and sadness and the weight of that day overtaking me. Through a smile, I stuffed the feelings down hoping that they would just go away and I could celebrate my momma. I was remembered by so many who have faithfully loved me and my role as a momma celebrated. But Mother's Day just doesn't feel like it should. I distracted myself with things...a garden to be planted, flowers to be potted, yard work to be completed, laundry to be done. I went to bed feeling drained and never stopped to address the feelings that were beginning to sink my spirit. 

Monday started off with a bang when I failed to secure the blinder and my morning shake went flying leaving my kitchen a sticky mess and me late for work. My day spiraled and so did my spirit. By the end, I was mad and upset and discontent and resorted to indulging in take-out. 

With suppressed feelings, my weary spirit unraveled today as I went back to my doctor for my yearly appointment. I haven't seen my ob/gyn for a year and let me tell you she is one of my most favorite people...of all time...forever. But sitting in the waiting room, walking the hall, waiting in an exam room that represented such sadness, and then filling my dear doctor in on where my life has gone since I saw her a year ago sent my emotions into overdrive. 

As I walked out, I sat in my car and could hold back no more. The emotions just kept coming. The sobs of sadness, the anger of a life I could not have predicted, the absence of "what should be," and putting myself back in a place that holds such deep feelings was more then I could bare.

A superhero I am not, yet I get upset when I can't handle it all.

I have to give myself grace.
 And to remember that I don't have to have it all together always. 
But mostly, to remind myself that He invites those who are weary and in need of rest to come. 

This week, I am weary.
But God is good and good things are coming...big, big things.
Praise Jesus that He can renew my weary spirit.

Joy > Happiness

Joy > Happiness   

Let me just pause for a moment to give you time to meditate on that. 

{And for your viewing pleasure while doing so, a pic of my family at Abby's graduation.}

I recently began going to a new church. I honestly haven't had a church home since I moved away from the church I grew up in. Life happened and I always found one excuse or another to not get connected. 

It is not exactly easy to walk into a big body of people alone and feel comfortable. I dread small talk because the normal questions one would ask are the type of questions that can send me into a downward spiral of words flying from my lips. 

Ask a simple question...are you married or do you have children...and, has happened on many occasions, I just delve in and certainly over share to the innocent person who asked what they thought to be a normal question.

Much like now, so back to my point.

In preaching on 1 John 1, the pastor discussed the difference between joy and happiness.

Beyond the dictionary definition, his point hit home for me.

I have many times said that I just want be "happy" again. 

But happiness is only a feeling. It comes and it goes. It can be overriding or overtaken.

Joy on the other hand is a foundation. 

To be full of joy doesn't mean that one is always happy. Joy is when you accept that if everything where to be stripped away...say for example your child and your marriage...there is contentment in Christ. To believe that God is bigger than the hurt, loves you more then the pain, and has a plan grander then you could envision. 

I don't want to merely be happy, I want joy.

Joy > Happiness.

 

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep and Sevenly...

Have you heard of  Sevenly?

If not, you should check it out because this week Sevenly is supporting an organization near and dear to me. For every shirt or product purchased from Sevenly, a portion of the funds will go to help support Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDTS).

NILMDTS was founded in 2005 by parents just like me who were left with photos and an empty heart after the passing of their infant son.  The organization, "trains, educates, and mobilizes professional quality photographers to provide beautiful heirloom portraits to families facing the untimely death of an infant." The photographers are volunteers, the services are free to the families, and currently NILMDTS is in all 50 states, 40 countries, and comprised of over 11,000 volunteers. Simply amazing.

Proudly displayed throughout my home are the NILMDTS photographs of my Addalyn taken by Diana. Diana is a local photographer who began volunteering for NILMDTS after experiencing her own heartache. 

After my water unexpectedly broke, Diana was contacted and she arrived at the hospital shortly after Addy's birth. She was armed with her camera and so delicately and loving captured every ounce of my daughter. 

Each and every picture (and I have hundreds) 

is a treasure and they bring me unexplainable joy.

 

 

I will forever be grateful to Diana and to Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.

 

Feeling

Every time I see my counselor, her first question is always, "Aly, how are you?"

My initial response is always a standard,  "I am good."

She waits a few seconds and follows by saying, "How are you really?"

Sometimes the tears start flowing, sometimes the anger creeps up, and sometimes I am so numb that I don't even know how I am. But for the first time last week, before she even had the chance to utter her follow-up question, I responded "and I think for the first time in a really long time, I mean it."

She looked at me with a smile and the tears welled up in my eyes. 
There were days when I didn't know if I would ever get to a point when I would be able to say that I feel "good." But last week I did and even as I type those words, the tears well thinking about how that feels.

I don't know if it is because the divorce is behind me or because all of the components that constituted our life together have been separated. I don't know if it is because our bedroom has been completely redone into an oasis for me or because the last of his left behind things have found a new home. 

I don't know if it is because it is April and I made it through the first of every milestone without my beloved. Or if it is because of the amazing ways in which my family and friends have kept Addy's memory alive and celebrated her most precious life throughout the year. 

I don't know if it is because of the testimonies that I heard at Hope Spoken or my renewed understanding that my faith, which I have admittedly struggled with over the years, is the foundation of who I am.

I don't know if it is because the sun is shining and the weather is getting warm or because I have enrolled in a photography class, got my very first library card and having taken up reading, because I streamlined my social media outlets, signed up for my first 5k, or because I am planning out my soon to be planted garden.

I don't know what it is but last week, for the first time I truly felt good.
I felt as if my outward expression matched my inner self.

 I know the grief cycle well. 
I know as it spins, my spirit fluctuates with the ebb and flow and my emotions waver. 
So, I want to document last week. The week where I felt good, where I felt strong, and where I felt hopeful.

It is a feeling that I was not sure would ever come and I want to embrace it. 
 

Reflecting on Hope Spoken

I went not knowing anyone and without expectations and walked away overwhelmed by the depth and richness of God at work. 

Everyone has a story. Mine is a story of loss paralleled with betrayal.  Some have stories from their past and some uncertainty in their future. Some have stories of triumph or joy and some of pain or struggle. Regardless of what it is, everyone has a story. 

Gathering with other women who are willing to strip down to the core and share their inner most joy, struggles, triumph, or failures is freeing. From the words of my 20 year old sister, "For some reason we equate brokenness with weakness or imperfection, but really our brokenness is where God is complete.  When we share our lives with people it opens up completely different relationships and draws us nearer to each other and ultimately to our God."  Amen sister. 

That is what Hope Spoken was for me. The opportunity to hear other people share, to build each other up, and to be reminded of the richness of the one who can redeem.

I came home feeling ready. 

Ready to heal, to surrender areas of hurt that I continued to harbor, and ready to overhaul the distractions in my life so that I can hear, that I can focus, and that I can allow God to work. 

To Him, I am worthy. To Him, I am loved. To Him, I am enough.

You Are My Sunshine

Addalyn's 1st birthday was March 19th.
To celebrate, I planned a small birthday party in her honor.

There were proud grandparents, great grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends. 

 There was laughter, tears, and joy as her life was remembered through words and pictures.

There were fresh flowers, cookies, cheesecakes, and cupcakes. 

There were, much to my surprise and amazement, hundreds of books collected to bless other families who experience loss and to carry on Addalyn's memory (a goal of $1,000 was set and I am so humbled to say that the goal was met).

There were lanterns sent sailing into the sky as the familiar words of  "Happy Birthday" were sung. 

And, there was one overjoyed momma at the celebration of her beloved daughter. 

Oh Addalyn, you my child are deeply loved.

To the moon and back. 

-----

A most heartfelt thank you to wonderful staff at Shoal Creek Golf Course and to my dear friend Diana from Switch Focus Studios. Diana did our maternity photo session, captured the beautiful photos that I have of my Addalyn on the day of her birth, and took all the photos above from Addy's first birthday party. Diana, a fellow grieving momma, will always hold a special place in my heart.

April

I made it. 

I have been longing for April.

The warmer weather, the beginning of spring, life in growth of the plants.  

But really, April means that I made it through the first of everything without my Addalyn. 

My first Mother's Day, her first Christmas, the anniversary of all the pregnancy milestones, and her first birthday. 

It wasn't always pretty. 

There were many tears and lots of heartache.

 But, it is April and I made it. 

Hope Spoken was the prefect way to end the month of March. 

I went not knowing what to expect but following that little tug within me. 

And I walked away feeling refreshed, encouraged, and ready.

Ready for what? 

I am not really certain but I am ready to simply allow God to work.