I have been beyond touched by the personal gifts that we have 
received in remembrance of my Addalyn. 

A wall plaque with Addy's birth statistics, an engraved necklace, a charm bracelet, a picture frame holding her hand and foot prints, a monogrammed keepsake box, a 'sleeping baby in angel wings' garden statue, a monogrammed blanket, and the list could go on.

I am beyond grateful for the outpour of love. 
Thank you to you all. 

This past week, a beautiful drawing of Addy and her luvie showed up in our mailbox.

I have no idea who it is from, it was sent to Alexandra's House and then on to me. 

She is remembered. 

If your hands crafted this work of art, thank you. 

Thank you for caring enough about my journey to bless me with a 

beautiful drawing of my precious daughter. 

Support

I have been so blessed by Alexandra's House. 

Monthly, they host support groups for brokenhearted parents regardless of where they are in their journey. There are expecting parents, parents who have recently lost babies, and parents who lost babies years ago.

We attended in April and for various reasons, I have not been able to go back until today. 

To sit in a room of people who have or will experience the loss that you have experienced cannot be explained. No two stories are the same but the feelings of pain, sorrow, sadness, and heartache are felt by all.  There is an indescribable sense of understanding as you share your story and listen as others do the same.

Both times I have gone, 

I have walked away feeling comforted by the fact that I am not alone. 

At 4:45, we gathered for family pictures on Emily's wedding day. 

As the photographer assembled my entire family, he casually said, "is this everyone?"

My heart sank. He simply wanted to insure that everyone that needed to be in the picture was present but Addalyn will forever be missing.

Missing, but never forgotten. 

Much to my surprise, Emily insured that Addalyn was with us.

Woven into Emily's bouquet was a charm with Addy's picture. 

I can't even begin to tell you how touched I was. 

As a grieving momma, it delights my heart so to see Addalyn being remembered. 

She was mentioned, she was talked about, and she was remember. 
 Her spirit was present and felt in the warmth of the sunshine on such a perfect day.

I am blessed with an amazing family and am so touched by their love for my daughter. 

Mr. and Mrs. Brinkmeyer

Emily and Chad wed at Eventful at Locust Grove in Weston, MO 

in a beautiful outdoor ceremony.

 

  

 

 

And the pictures would not be complete without the beautiful bride and groom!

Welcome to the family Chadwick. 

Father's Day

Nate had never really held a baby.

Babies made him nervous so he always preferred to let me hold while he watched.

For not really being a 'baby person,' Nate is an amazing daddy to our Addy.

He was a natural with Addy and it was pretty incredible to watch his love.

 

He wrapped her up in his arms. 

He read to her like it is something he has done many times before. 

And, he loves her with a love that I don't think he knew he was capable of. 

 

Happy first Father's Day Nate.
I know the emptiness and longing you are feeling today.

But through the pain, I hope you know that your role as a daddy 
will never be forgotten. 

 

There is no doubt that she knows your love.

12 Weeks

It is Tuesday.

I dislike Tuesdays.

 I might even go so far as to say that I hate Tuesdays.

Every Tuesday, I wake up to the realization that one more week has lapsed.

I find myself getting lost in the thoughts of what should be as a way to mask life as I currently know it.

Today, my precious Addalyn would be 12 weeks old.

This should have been her first week at daycare and my first week back at work. 
I should be shedding tears on my commute as I leave my precious little one with someone else for the very first time. Instead, I shed tears over what will never be.

What would her laugh sound like? 
Would she look more like Nate or more like me?
Would she be sleeping through the night or still waking every few hours?
 Would she...would she...would she...I will never know.

To the moon and back...forever.

Miracles

It is a miracle that babies are born healthy everyday.

Those were the words of our OB when we went in for our very first OB appointment at 8 weeks. Long before our world was rocked at our 12 week appointment, my OB left us with those words after seeing little Addy's heart beating for the very first time. While only the size of a bean, she was perfect...she was a miracle.

I love my hubby, we have good jobs, and a home.
I was healthy and was diligent about taking my prenatal vitamin every morning.

I avoided lunch meat, hotdogs, and my beloved diet coke.

I turned down the water temperature when I showered and avoided taking baths.

I did everything every book ever said to do when pregnant.

She was planned for, she was prepared for, and she was wanted.

Why would I expect anything but to have a healthy baby?

It truly is a miracle that babies are born healthy everyday.

We have not one but two sets of very dear friends who have recently experienced miscarriages. While our stories are different, my heart aches for them and the pain that life has handed them. Why is it that you can do everything right yet everything can go so wrong?

Momma's Day

My first Momma's Day came and went. 

To explain how my heart felt would be impossible.

But, I was not forgotten. 

I was touched by the number of messages that I received.

And, I was blessed to spend the day with my momma.

Her love never fades. She is a pretty special lady and I am so thankful for her.

Happy Mother's Day to my momma...I love her dearly.

Back to Work...

I work with very compassionate people but going back weighed heavy on my heart. 
Being home for the past 7 weeks, I have been able to hide. I can look at Addy's pictures when I need to,  I can cuddle with her luvie when I need to,  I can cry when I need to, I can scream when I need to...I can simply grieve on my own terms. 

Going back to work means that life keeps going. 
Reintegrating is inevitable, but it was a difficult reality for me to face. 
Life just goes on, whether I am ready or not. 

I allowed myself the month of April to simply exist, but the time has come to reintegrate and face life again. My heart still aches and my spirit still hurts, but it will forever more because my Addy will always be missing. 

Tuesday was my first day back at work and the hardest part was walking through the door. During my pregnancy, my drive to and from work was my time with Addy. We were alone and I would tell her whatever was on my heart. Yesterday, I was all alone on my drive and as I walked into the hospital, I could feel the lump in my throat and the pounding of my anxious heart. I opened the door to our office and saw my co-workers. I cried, life just simply goes on. They hugged me, held me, and welcomed me. It is such a blessing to work with people who truly care.

And, as if being surrounded by really great co-workers was not enough to lift my spirit, these pretty little Toms and a couple other gifts and cards were waiting for me. How could you not smile at such a bright and cheery sight?

I made it through the door and with the support of my co-workers, 

I made it through my first day back. 

I feel accomplished, go me!