One Point For Life

I have high standards for myself and I know that.

I deeply want to feel "normal" in whatever capacity that is so I push myself, sometimes failing to recognize that even though I want to feel "good" at times there is just too much and that isn't obtainable. It is ok to be sad, to grieve, to feel the hurt. 

There are days, or even weeks, when life just wins.

This week, life is winning.

Sunday was Mother's Day and as much as I tried to tell myself that I was ok, I could feel the hurt and sadness and the weight of that day overtaking me. Through a smile, I stuffed the feelings down hoping that they would just go away and I could celebrate my momma. I was remembered by so many who have faithfully loved me and my role as a momma celebrated. But Mother's Day just doesn't feel like it should. I distracted myself with things...a garden to be planted, flowers to be potted, yard work to be completed, laundry to be done. I went to bed feeling drained and never stopped to address the feelings that were beginning to sink my spirit. 

Monday started off with a bang when I failed to secure the blinder and my morning shake went flying leaving my kitchen a sticky mess and me late for work. My day spiraled and so did my spirit. By the end, I was mad and upset and discontent and resorted to indulging in take-out. 

With suppressed feelings, my weary spirit unraveled today as I went back to my doctor for my yearly appointment. I haven't seen my ob/gyn for a year and let me tell you she is one of my most favorite people...of all time...forever. But sitting in the waiting room, walking the hall, waiting in an exam room that represented such sadness, and then filling my dear doctor in on where my life has gone since I saw her a year ago sent my emotions into overdrive. 

As I walked out, I sat in my car and could hold back no more. The emotions just kept coming. The sobs of sadness, the anger of a life I could not have predicted, the absence of "what should be," and putting myself back in a place that holds such deep feelings was more then I could bare.

A superhero I am not, yet I get upset when I can't handle it all.

I have to give myself grace.
 And to remember that I don't have to have it all together always. 
But mostly, to remind myself that He invites those who are weary and in need of rest to come. 

This week, I am weary.
But God is good and good things are coming...big, big things.
Praise Jesus that He can renew my weary spirit.

Joy > Happiness

Joy > Happiness   

Let me just pause for a moment to give you time to meditate on that. 

{And for your viewing pleasure while doing so, a pic of my family at Abby's graduation.}

I recently began going to a new church. I honestly haven't had a church home since I moved away from the church I grew up in. Life happened and I always found one excuse or another to not get connected. 

It is not exactly easy to walk into a big body of people alone and feel comfortable. I dread small talk because the normal questions one would ask are the type of questions that can send me into a downward spiral of words flying from my lips. 

Ask a simple question...are you married or do you have children...and, has happened on many occasions, I just delve in and certainly over share to the innocent person who asked what they thought to be a normal question.

Much like now, so back to my point.

In preaching on 1 John 1, the pastor discussed the difference between joy and happiness.

Beyond the dictionary definition, his point hit home for me.

I have many times said that I just want be "happy" again. 

But happiness is only a feeling. It comes and it goes. It can be overriding or overtaken.

Joy on the other hand is a foundation. 

To be full of joy doesn't mean that one is always happy. Joy is when you accept that if everything where to be stripped away...say for example your child and your marriage...there is contentment in Christ. To believe that God is bigger than the hurt, loves you more then the pain, and has a plan grander then you could envision. 

I don't want to merely be happy, I want joy.

Joy > Happiness.

 

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep and Sevenly...

Have you heard of  Sevenly?

If not, you should check it out because this week Sevenly is supporting an organization near and dear to me. For every shirt or product purchased from Sevenly, a portion of the funds will go to help support Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDTS).

NILMDTS was founded in 2005 by parents just like me who were left with photos and an empty heart after the passing of their infant son.  The organization, "trains, educates, and mobilizes professional quality photographers to provide beautiful heirloom portraits to families facing the untimely death of an infant." The photographers are volunteers, the services are free to the families, and currently NILMDTS is in all 50 states, 40 countries, and comprised of over 11,000 volunteers. Simply amazing.

Proudly displayed throughout my home are the NILMDTS photographs of my Addalyn taken by Diana. Diana is a local photographer who began volunteering for NILMDTS after experiencing her own heartache. 

After my water unexpectedly broke, Diana was contacted and she arrived at the hospital shortly after Addy's birth. She was armed with her camera and so delicately and loving captured every ounce of my daughter. 

Each and every picture (and I have hundreds) 

is a treasure and they bring me unexplainable joy.

 

 

I will forever be grateful to Diana and to Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.

 

Feeling

Every time I see my counselor, her first question is always, "Aly, how are you?"

My initial response is always a standard,  "I am good."

She waits a few seconds and follows by saying, "How are you really?"

Sometimes the tears start flowing, sometimes the anger creeps up, and sometimes I am so numb that I don't even know how I am. But for the first time last week, before she even had the chance to utter her follow-up question, I responded "and I think for the first time in a really long time, I mean it."

She looked at me with a smile and the tears welled up in my eyes. 
There were days when I didn't know if I would ever get to a point when I would be able to say that I feel "good." But last week I did and even as I type those words, the tears well thinking about how that feels.

I don't know if it is because the divorce is behind me or because all of the components that constituted our life together have been separated. I don't know if it is because our bedroom has been completely redone into an oasis for me or because the last of his left behind things have found a new home. 

I don't know if it is because it is April and I made it through the first of every milestone without my beloved. Or if it is because of the amazing ways in which my family and friends have kept Addy's memory alive and celebrated her most precious life throughout the year. 

I don't know if it is because of the testimonies that I heard at Hope Spoken or my renewed understanding that my faith, which I have admittedly struggled with over the years, is the foundation of who I am.

I don't know if it is because the sun is shining and the weather is getting warm or because I have enrolled in a photography class, got my very first library card and having taken up reading, because I streamlined my social media outlets, signed up for my first 5k, or because I am planning out my soon to be planted garden.

I don't know what it is but last week, for the first time I truly felt good.
I felt as if my outward expression matched my inner self.

 I know the grief cycle well. 
I know as it spins, my spirit fluctuates with the ebb and flow and my emotions waver. 
So, I want to document last week. The week where I felt good, where I felt strong, and where I felt hopeful.

It is a feeling that I was not sure would ever come and I want to embrace it. 
 

Reflecting on Hope Spoken

I went not knowing anyone and without expectations and walked away overwhelmed by the depth and richness of God at work. 

Everyone has a story. Mine is a story of loss paralleled with betrayal.  Some have stories from their past and some uncertainty in their future. Some have stories of triumph or joy and some of pain or struggle. Regardless of what it is, everyone has a story. 

Gathering with other women who are willing to strip down to the core and share their inner most joy, struggles, triumph, or failures is freeing. From the words of my 20 year old sister, "For some reason we equate brokenness with weakness or imperfection, but really our brokenness is where God is complete.  When we share our lives with people it opens up completely different relationships and draws us nearer to each other and ultimately to our God."  Amen sister. 

That is what Hope Spoken was for me. The opportunity to hear other people share, to build each other up, and to be reminded of the richness of the one who can redeem.

I came home feeling ready. 

Ready to heal, to surrender areas of hurt that I continued to harbor, and ready to overhaul the distractions in my life so that I can hear, that I can focus, and that I can allow God to work. 

To Him, I am worthy. To Him, I am loved. To Him, I am enough.

You Are My Sunshine

Addalyn's 1st birthday was March 19th.
To celebrate, I planned a small birthday party in her honor.

There were proud grandparents, great grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends. 

 There was laughter, tears, and joy as her life was remembered through words and pictures.

There were fresh flowers, cookies, cheesecakes, and cupcakes. 

There were, much to my surprise and amazement, hundreds of books collected to bless other families who experience loss and to carry on Addalyn's memory (a goal of $1,000 was set and I am so humbled to say that the goal was met).

There were lanterns sent sailing into the sky as the familiar words of  "Happy Birthday" were sung. 

And, there was one overjoyed momma at the celebration of her beloved daughter. 

Oh Addalyn, you my child are deeply loved.

To the moon and back. 

-----

A most heartfelt thank you to wonderful staff at Shoal Creek Golf Course and to my dear friend Diana from Switch Focus Studios. Diana did our maternity photo session, captured the beautiful photos that I have of my Addalyn on the day of her birth, and took all the photos above from Addy's first birthday party. Diana, a fellow grieving momma, will always hold a special place in my heart.

April

I made it. 

I have been longing for April.

The warmer weather, the beginning of spring, life in growth of the plants.  

But really, April means that I made it through the first of everything without my Addalyn. 

My first Mother's Day, her first Christmas, the anniversary of all the pregnancy milestones, and her first birthday. 

It wasn't always pretty. 

There were many tears and lots of heartache.

 But, it is April and I made it. 

Hope Spoken was the prefect way to end the month of March. 

I went not knowing what to expect but following that little tug within me. 

And I walked away feeling refreshed, encouraged, and ready.

Ready for what? 

I am not really certain but I am ready to simply allow God to work.

 

Hope Spoken

I think I am an introvert.

I get anxious in large crowds, clam up when talking to new people, and really prefer to hang out with people in small groups. I like having a plan, a list, and naturally my comfort zone.

So driving 10 hours with someone whom I have never actually met, sharing a hotel room with one I have only communicated with via email, and attending a conference with hundreds of other women isn't exactly an introvert thing to do. I am pushing myself out of my comfort zone because I am just so certain that this is where I am supposed to be. I am excited about the opportunity to attend the first ever Hope Spoken Conference. Hope Spoken is a weekend designed to, "rest and feel His love, to lay burdens and hurts down, and feel His grace."

I first read about the conference in March of 2013. I was pregnant at the time and so unsure of what was to come that I didn't think twice about going. Over the course of last few months, I kept seeing the conference being talked about on several blogs I follow and some of my favorite IG feeds. Over and over it would pop up. It was as if I was being summoned to go.

The tickets had long been sold out but I couldn't quiet the voice in my head. I sent a quick email to see if there was a waiting list and in return, I received an email saying that someone had to back out and there was a ticket for me. In a matter of days, I had a roadtrip crew and a roommate...none of which I have ever met. I do not know anyone going but am so ready to be filled.

It is outside of my box...like really outside of my box but I am ready. 

2014 is my year of mind, body, and spiritual healing so Hope Spoken, here I come!

Addy's Birthday Week...

It was a year ago today that I sat in the front of a church for Addalyn's memorial service.

It was suggested that I record the service given that I was sorta in a fog and I found it to be a very strange suggestion at the time. I could not imagine myself rewatching the memorial service. But, I can tell you that I have so many times. It was a very beautiful and heartfelt service and rewatching it is oddly comforting to me.

 

It is hard to believe that it was one year ago that she came into and left this world. 

In some regards in seems like yesterday but in others it seems like a lifetime ago.

 

She was well celebrated this week. 

And, not one thing went unnoticed...I saved every card, printed every email, and screen shot every text to add them to Addy's scrapbook.  

I want to always remember all the love she (and I) received. 

Knowing that my Addy was remembered and well celebrated during the week of her first birthday warmed my heart. I am deeply grateful and truly blessed by the love and support. But deep within me, there is so much emptiness. When there were no more cookies to bake, cupcakes to decorate, or planning to do, the reality that she wouldn't physically experience her first birthday hurt. I miss her so much. 

When all is quiet, the tears flow thinking about how life should be. 

Celebrating Addy

My heart overflows with all the ways in which my Addalyn was remembered and honored on her first birthday.  She is so deeply loved and missed.

I spent the wee hours of the morning on her first birthday with Addy's daddy. While we are no longer married, we have a child whom we adore and will always celebrate together.

At a later time, I will share about Addy's "You Are My Sunshine" themed first birthday party which was held the evening of 3.19.2014.

It was at her party, that I learned of some behind the scene work that my family and friends had orchestrated.  I am in awe of the way that they have created for Addy's memory and love for story time to be carried on to other families expecting very special babies. They created a Virtual Book Drive through First Book to purchase children's books which will be donated to families supported by Alexandra's House. In my living room, I have hundreds of books ready to be given out.  What an amazing tribute to my precious daughter.  

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

You can learn more about the book drive by following the link...

http://supporters.firstbook.org/goto/addy