Whole30

It was about a year ago that I began to get serious about getting healthy. I had been a grieving momma for 18 weeks and yet still had no idea that a little message would pull the rug out from under my feet. Nonetheless, last July I started to get serious about refueling my weary body because the last thing I needed was to near the end of Year28 and look in the mirror only to realize that I didn't help myself. Certainly, I could go for mashed potatoes and 'so good you can eat it with a spoon gravy' from Stroud's, or Cinnamon Roll French Toast from Kate's (maybe even with a side of biscuits and gravy), or the biggest bowl of chip and salsa from Margaritas, or some de-light-ful BBQ from OK Joe's...oh BBQ, how I love thee. But, I knew that eating my feelings would only be a temporary fix and I would be left still doubting me. 

You see, after I learned of the affair, my self esteem was depleted. If only I was _____. Fill in a word and chances are, I thought it...funnier, smarter, prettier, skinner, more free spirited, or more outgoing. With an empty tank on my self esteem and a world that felt completely chaotic, how I cared for my body felt like the only thing I could control (well that and my eyebrows so they were well tended to). So, I got serious. You can read more about the start of my journey here.

Over the course of the last year, with the help of the little goldmine that is Pinterest, Instagram, and the new magical library card I acquired (sidenote: when I redid my bedroom, I opted to ditch the TV and it was the best decision as I have come to enjoy reading!), I was set. I searched for recipes and books about clean eating and landed upon the Paleo approach. It is a life style geared toward eating real foods. I spent a year doing my approach to Paleo and since clearly cavemen drank diet coke and ate the occasional Mexican dinner, I did too. When I was at home and cooking for myself, I ate Paleo. When I was eating out, I didn't fret about the indulgences. 

Coupled with my diet change, I got back into boxing. An hour of wailing on a bag honestly became a form of anger therapy for me. There may or may not have been a few times when I was jabbing with all might as tears streamed down my face. The instructors looked at me unsure how to respond and then just let me do my thing. Therapeutic I tell ya. 

Shortly after moving in, Abby encouraged me to sign up for a 5K with her. I am in no way a runner but slowly we worked our way up to three miles and completed our first race in May. What I discovered was running became tranquility for me and somewhat spiritual too. No worries, I have not lost all my marbles. I assure you, my former self would have rolled her eyes at my current self but running has become a time for me to clear my head, to focus, and to listen. Trust me, I don't rise with the sun because I love to exercise, I have just really come to appreciate the serenity that the open run has provided. 

This summer I picked up a copy of It Starts With Food and after reading, Abby was gung-ho to start the Whole30. So while she was on a mission trip in Guatemala, I cleaned out the pantry, fridge, and freezer of all non-compliant foods. I made a calendar and a binder of meal ideas. And then, I restocked with lots of fresh veggies, fruits, and meats. And for 30 days, there was no cheating! Although I will confess...our budget didn't allow for strictly grass fed, free range, or completely organic foods, we just made the best choices based off our budget.

And we did it! 30 days of nothing by clean, nutrient rich, real foods! 

That is an entire 30 days without Diet Coke for me! At first it felt like a crime against humanity to pass a QuikTrip, see the sign for 79 cent fountain drinks, and keep driving. But rest assured, I made it. 

Surprisingly, it was much easier than we anticipated. And honestly my biggest surprise was how many foods I actually like that I thought I didn't! Things like sweet potatoes, nectarines, salmon, blueberries, cashews, and watermelon. 

We made our weekly grocery store run on Sunday and then food prepped for the entire week. With the dinner calendar on hand, weeknight meals became relatively easy as everything had been prepped on Sunday. And we were really surprised by how many of the meals we absolutely loved!

I won't pretend to be a expert on anything Paleo or the Whole30, but here are some pictures of the foods we have been enjoying. And let me tell you, there were some really, really good meals! 

........

I did have to set my alarm to get up about 15 minutes earlier to prepare breakfast but it was worth it to me. Usually I made eggs (either scrambled or fried in coconut oil), a side of a veggie (either a pile of raw spinach, stir fried peppers & zucchini, or a grated sweet potato), and a Whole30 compliant chicken sausage (which I found at Costco).

 When I was craving pancakes, I found a recipe for a sweet-and-savory blueberry tortilla and it was delish!

I kept lunch pretty simple and typically stuck with leftovers or a salad of some sort. Sometimes it was a taco salad with spinach and guacamole and beef, peppers, and onion that I cooked on a prep day. Or a garden salad with Sunday prepped chicken, carrots, macadamia nuts, hard boiled eggs, and  homemade ranch (of which the base is Paleo mayo), or tuna salad (using the same mayo as the base). 

Snacking consisted of carrots or a fruit with handful of pistachios, almonds, cashew butter, or almond butter. My go-to snack was Monkey Salad (it was also good with strawberries, blueberries, or nectarines in place of the bananas). We treated ourselves to caramelized apples with dinner one night.  And then there were sweet potato...lots and lots of sweet potatoes. Microwaved, grated into hash browns, or baked into fries. I am a convert to lover of sweet potatoes.

 

Dinner was my jam though. Probably because I had someone to cook with who was equally as motivated and excited to try new recipes and eat yummy foods. 

We made zucchini lasagna. 

Actually the first time I made it, I made extra of the stuffing and froze it so this time I just had to thaw, slice fresh zucchini, layer it up, and bake!

There was ginger chicken on stir fried lo-mein noodles (made from zucchini and carrots), meatloaf (@whole30recipes on IG) and cauliflower "mashed potatoes," and garden fresh peppers stuffed with beef and veggies. 

Before you go doubting, I am a mashed potato loving girl and was pleasantly surprised by the cauliflower mash...I mean I thought I didn't like cauliflower. 

The key to the mash is coconut milk!

 

And one of my favorites, salmon cakes!

Or my other favorite, veggiti and meatballs! For the love of meatballs, they were delightful (and I couldn't find a recipe that I was totally on par with so I made one up and will share it soon). For now, behold the beauty. 

And for one of our last meals, we decided to go out with a bang.
Grilled steak with veggies and pineapple.

There was only one small causality in the Whole30...

Turns out my chopping skills were sub par and the stuffed peppers resulted in a trip to the urgent care. A couple of quick stitches and all was well.

......

Because I know you will ask, I lost 5 pounds and Abby lost 8.

I didn't do the Whole30 to lose weight, I wanted to be more mindful of the foods I was eating and the ways they affected my body. Obviously no one is going to complain about dropping a few lbs or of feeling less 'fluffy' but really what I feel like I gained was a better palate for foods that I didn't even know I would like and a challenge to take the time to better fuel me. 

Dating {Part II}

Let's just call this Part II of my rambling series on dating, of which I know nothing about. Thanks for coming along!

Before I went on my a fore mentioned first ever first date...you know the blind date of all types...I spent a lot of time rediscovering who I am. I thought I had me figured out but my vision came crashing down not once but twice. Where I thought my life was headed, what I dreamed to be my future, and my image of being a wife and raising my daughter were stripped from my core. 

Who was I when suddenly my last name was a remnant of a former life, when my in-laws were no longer legally such, and when my home was occupied by only me? What did I believe? What were my passions and my dreams? What was my reality? 

Suddenly, I had no idea who I was anymore. 

So, Year 28 became my year to rediscover who I am. To reconnect with friends, explore hobbies, to soul search, to refuel my spirit, to prove to myself that I could still stand, and to began to mend the pieces from the shattering of my world.

Before ever bringing someone in, I want to be certain of who I am. So, when "dating' went from being 'in the future' to 'Thursday night,' {after nearly having a panic attack}, I got out a piece of paper and a pen and wrote out my standards. Pillars of sorts that when pondering a future husband were nonnegotiable. They stem from who I have become and perhaps things that looking back just didn't work in my marriage. 

Maybe they are obvious but friends, this dating thing is seriously foreign to me so it made perfect sense to my Type A self to have a list to help guide my heart. They are things like ambition and dreams and a desire to raise and be surrounded by family. There are shared interest and shared core values. But of those, at very top is a shared passion for a shared faith.

When I was 16, we shared a fervor for Jesus but over the course of the 12 years, our beliefs in creation diverged. I never stopped believing but having different beliefs, I didn't pursue Jesus. I prayed and went to church on holidays or when visiting family but I had no church to call home and no community in which I was fostered. I never stopped believing, I simply stopped growing. I had become complacent with life as I knew it and quite content waking up on Sunday mornings with the only thing on the agenda being the sous-chef in the construction of breakfast.

When I began working in my current job, I quickly befriended the only nurse that was around my age. If I can be totally honest, sometimes I rolled my eyes at her passionate pursuit to live a Godly life. While I had become content, she was anything but. When my perfectly planned pregnancy began to be filled with hard choices and uncertainty, she began praying with all her heart. There were cards and notes left on my desk, in my work bag, and in my drawer. There were texts and emails with scripture, encouraging words, and reminders that she and her people were praying for me and my Addy daily. She sent me sermons, songs, and books that she thought might encourage me. When I returned to work after my leave of absence, she had a way of reading my mood as I walked through the door, could anticipate triggers before I had to face them, and has a memory that includes the date of every one of my milestones. And there were Reece's, lot and lots of Reece's. She exemplified the love of Jesus to me consistently for two of the most difficult years in my life. And never out of pride, never being overbearing. She simple lived what she so deeply believed.

She sent me the link to the song "Worn" but Tenth Avenue North and told me to listen when I was ready. I filed it under 'someday' and then forgot about it until I was driving to work one day. It was October and I was consumed with how I was going to overcome the grief of Addy's passing and the devastating end of the marriage. How was I going to pick up the pieces, how was I going to mend my heart, how was I ever going to feel whole? As I listened to the words of the song, I wept. Big, ugly tears streamed down my face. I will never forget that moment.

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

 

 

It was one of the two most defining moments of healing for me. Hearing the words brought this overwhelming sense of relief. I had long tried to understand how I was going to overcome all the hurt, sadness, grief, and devastation. In the course of that very song, relief came as I realized that healing was never going to be through me. So I cried out with all that I had left and asked Jesus to begin to heal me in ways that I couldn't heal myself. I cried for rest and a song risen from the ashes of my broken life. It was in that moment, that for the first time since Addy's passing in March, that knew that I was going to be okay. Someday I would be okay.

Since, I have been pursuing my relationship with our gracious God and there is peace within me that I didn't know could or perhaps would ever come. And though I still have hard days and days of hurt, sadness, or even some of anger, good has come. 

So at the very top of my 'future spouse non-negotiable standards' is a shared passion for a shared faith. A shared love and desire to pursue a God who redeems. 

 

 

Dating {Oh dear Jesus, save me now}

Can we talk about something that makes me sweat, want to crawl under a table, and continuously need to pulse check? What could be that bad? If you guessed 'dating,' those party poppers are for you, so welcome aboard this adventure. Oh dear Jesus, save me now.

When it comes to dating, I am a fish way out of water. Not only did I never envision it to be a part of my world but I don't really count my first ever "first date" as such.  You see, it was my 16th birthday and he joined my ENTIRE family for dinner to celebrate. That was it.  Signed, sealed, and delivered, my heart was done for. He was it. But that thing called life happened. And that little 16 year old girl could never have prepared for how that story would end. But it did. And so here I am. Embarking on a new chapter.

I was recently sent on my first date...and a blind date at that.
And let me tell you, he was super nice and totally sweet but he knew nothing about me.
I left feeling overwhelmed by feelings that I didn't even know I had yet to deal with. Things like confusion for how to get to know the depth of someone and they of me, a fear of letting my guard down, and a surprising anger for the reality of being 'single' after once vowing forever. It wasn't anything he did or said, it simply is me coming to terms with where I am in my life.

I feel like there should have been a little warning flag waved  a giant billboard alerting him...

Warning:

Aly comes with wounds. There is a segment of the city she avoids like the plague, she has a great fear of being hurt, a very tender heart, and a deceased child whom she will grief forever. Not just for another year or two but for forever. 

That is a lot. 
But I do want to share my life with someone.  And someday, I want to be able to hear someone call me momma.  That's my dream, just as it was at 16, and 23, and 27, and still at 29.

So I've secretly created a fairytale in my head. It's quiet simple. If I could click my ruby red slippers together, my future husband would appear and say, "I know your journey and someday, when you are ready to share, I would love to hear the depth of your heart. But for now, just know that I know and I embrace you."  I would fist pump bigger than any Jersey Shore party you ever did see. Ha. Who am I kidding? I would probably cry. I would cry like a baby at the thought of him already knowing my story and yet hearing him say he embraces all that I am. 

I know when the timing is right, it will be right because He hasn't failed me yet. 

Back to the here and now.

 

{FAQs}

Answering some of my most random but commonly asked questions...here we go...



Did you change your last name?

This is the most popular question that I get asked and it just so happens to be one of my biggest internal battles when in the midst of my divorce. I struggled because at stake was the ultimate question of 'who am I?' It was perplexing and deeply loaded, the summation of ones identity. Sitting in a court room, facing a judge felt like an out of body experience. When she asked what my last name would be all I could hear was 'who am I now?' So, the simple answer to such a difficult question is no, I kept his last name. In some ways it was out of pure exhaustion. The thought of having to add more to my plate in the midst of all the other changes invading my world seemed like it could very well push me over the edge. And more so, his last name is my Addy's last name and in my cycle of grief, I wasn't ready to have that taken from me too. 

 

What is Addy's diagnosis?

I get asked this question quiet often too. When explaining that my child passed away, the question to follow is usually, "from what." And my standard answer is 'multiple fetal anomalies.' With the guidance of a very wonderful genetics counselor, we exhausted every avenue for answers down to an ongoing research study using blood from her umbilical cord as well as samples from him and I. And the results...nothing. I know her major anomalies (a right-sided diaphragmatic hernia and dysplastic kidneys) but the question of why or a diagnosis remain unknown.

Do you still live in your house?

At the present, my home is still my home. I am not sure what my future holds but my status quo world became very unsteady in a very short amount of time so my home was a constant for me. A double edged sword at times, I have a love-hate relationship living in a place that was once ours. But it was also home to me and I wasn't ready to figure out where to go next. I flew the coup solo for the first time in my entire life for the first six months. Believe it or not, prior him moving out, I had shared a bedroom with someone (my sister, a potluck roommate as a freshman, sorority sisters, and then him) for all but my senior year of college! I didn't realize how lonely I had become until by the grace of God, two of my sisters were able to move in with me in January. It is like a never ending slumber party and I welcomed the noise.

Is the grief from the loss of my daughter or the loss of my marriage been more difficult to endure?

Honestly, I am not sure how to answer.

If you followed Addy's story, you know that our pregnancy was a series of ups and downs. Addy's prognosis was not a result of anything I ate or didn't eat, or anything I did or didn't do, nor was it a result of either her daddy's or my family history. No one made a choice that determined Addalyn's prognosis, it simply just was.  And, it wasn't until our fetal health appointment at 28 weeks that we knew her life was going to be limited. My water broke at 35 weeks and 5 days so I had over seven weeks to prepare. And I say the word 'prepare' but there was not really anyway to prepare my inexperienced self to face death.  I simply mean gathering resources...I met with a comfort care doctor to ensure that in her living moments she would never struggle, I selected a funeral home, determined our wishes for her body, and planned a memorial service. I met with other mommas who had lost babies and tried with all the strength I could muster to enjoy my final weeks of being pregnant. I knew, to the best of my comprehension, what was coming and had prepared the best that I knew how. It would be impossible to ever fully ready my heart or my spirit but all plans and arrangements where in place.

The betrayal is different. The events that transpired that led to the ending of our marriage were willingly made yet deceptive choices. I was caught off guard, shocked, devastated, and unprepared to face the unraveling of my marriage. Infidelity has a way of doing that. Of making you question everything, doubt everything, and it is a mixed bag of anger, hurt, devastation, sadness, loneliness, self doubt, and brokenness. And still what hurts the most is that the two are woven together.

While the some of the components of the grief cycle are the same, the feeling are different.

Yet, they overlap. His choices overlaps with the pregnancy, Addy's birth, and the days of trying to desperately make sense of a life without my child. It all fell in a matter on months leaving all the feelings intertwined. It is hard to separate the emotions of one trial because for me, they are so woven together. 

You seem to have a unique ability to walk through your grief.

Most days I feel ill equipped to handle what life handed but when you are knee deep in it, to me there wasn't an alternative.  If you have lost a child, you certainly know that there is not a guide for how to cope. Grief hits at every angle and sometimes it is when you least it expect it. It is not easy to take a picture of Addy to Santa, to host a party without her on her first birthday, or even to celebrate the milestones for my friend's babies that will never be for my Addy. But, I don't do these things because they are easy. I do what any other parent desires for their child...to make memories and to ensure they know that they are loved. I have the same desires for my child. I get strange looks sometimes and I have come to terms with them. The tears and sadness that come with doing the hard things in life, to me just mean that my Addy is loved.  

{Powell Garden Butterfly Festival}

 
Do you still see your counselor?

Yes, yes, and yes again. I actually saw her a couple years before my pregnancy when I was working through some hard stuff in life. She was randomly selected based off my rigorous criteria...female, close to my house, and covered by my insurance! After Addy's passing, together we went to a few different counselors that specialize in the loss of a child but I just didn't feel they were right for me. Finding the right counselor is vital and it is ok to try out several before deciding on one. Knowing I had to do something to begin to process through the grief, I forwent the specialized grief counselors and made an appointment back at my original counselor. I just jive with her and her diagram loving, dry erase board using self. I saw her weekly for a good six months, then every other week, then every three weeks, and just recently I went to a 'make an appointment when needed' status. And this week, I found myself on her familiar couch after my bestie encouraged me that maybe I could benefit from her guidance. That my friends, is the best friend a girl could as for. One that gets you on such a level and is brave enough to say that perhaps an appointment is warranted. So that little couch which I have come to find comfort in greeted me. And on that couch have been some of my worst days. I can distinctly remember a session where I said nothing for an entire hour. I simply sobbed with my counselor setting near by reminding me that it was a safe place to let it all out. And the day I learned of the affair, I sat gasping for air on that very couch as I tried to process what seemed impossible. And through every emotion, every high and low, every deep dark pain, my counselor has guided me, supported me, and listened to my pain. If I can recommend one thing, when life gets to be too much, know that there is no shame in seeking help. Whether through your church or using my rigorous criteria, find someone trained to counsel you and do so with your head held high.

How did he meet her, did you know her, were there signs looking back that you missed, how did you find out about the affair, are they still together, do you still talk to him?

Out of respect for him and our memories together, these questions will go unanswered.  I married him because I cared deeply about, because he made me feeling special, because I felt loved, and because I loved him. Our marriage was not perfect, we each made mistakes along the way. For a long time, I thought if I could just know all the details of his affair, at some point I would understand why. That some light bulb would go off and I would think to myself, "well now it all makes complete sense." But the more I learned, the less I understood. So truth be told, some of the questions you have are the very same questions I have and it is probably for the best that I leave it at that.  I still care about him and part of me will always love him so I won't pass judgement nor speak to the details of his choices. 

Where do you see yourself in the future?

When I daydreamed about being a 'grown-up,' life as I know it isn't what came to mind. But probably that is true in some capacity for everyone. So I am trying to stop living for the next big thing and be present.   I am still working to heal my heart and my spirit so that is my focus. The here and the now.

Butterfly Festival

I discovered a little treasure in the Kansas City Area today!

  Powell Gardens is Kansas City's Botanical Garden and it is beautiful!

 The first and second weekend in August is their annual Butterfly Festival.

It was complete with lots of activities, education, and crafts for kids (storytelling, flower pot painting, face painting, butterfly wing coloring, and antenna making).

 Among the perfectly kept gardens and beautiful flowers were lots and lots of butterflies in the butterfly conservatory and the caterpillar petting zoo.

My mom, sister-in-law, niece, and I had a great time.

And, we made sure our Addy was with us. 

After declaring Addy was going to be a butterfly for Halloween, 

I can't help but smile each time I see a butterfly. 

Facing Trigger Days

I don't like to dwell or to allow myself to get lost in thoughts about "how life should be."

I find it to be a dangerous path, a slippery slope per say. 

One that quickly becomes consuming and wreaks havoc on my emotional state. 

For me, it can conjure bitterness, lead to self doubt, and allow anger to resonate.

Fond reflection and remembering the good are quite different but dwelling in a world that is not reality is yet another. But, it is human nature. And in the week leading to what should have been my sixth wedding anniversary I felt the emotions seeping into every aspect of life like a weight thrust upon my shoulders. It would be an outright lie to say that I didn't think a time or two about how 7.26 should look or think about how the vows promised were deeply broken. It wouldn't be true if I said that it didn't hurt or sting to face a day that had long represented one of my most highly regarded and happiest moments. And it certainly would be a lie if I attempted to claim that I never wondered if he remembered or perhaps more so, if he even cared. 

How quickly those reflections can damage the spirit. How quickly they can strip away the truth and replace it with inadequacy, anger, or sorrow. How quickly that little voice can lose sight of the hope and redemption that has been refueling the soul. 

So, I rose with the sun and set out for a run. To clear my mind and my spirit in preparation of a day that for the first time in six years was without significance.  A 'trigger day' as my counselor so endearing calls them. As I ran along an open field, a big yellow butterfly crossed my path and fluttered along with me. I couldn't help but grim as tears of joy welled up. 

Perhaps one of the biggest lessons I have learned over the past year is that when I surrender and allow God to work, He meets me in my moments of greatest need. A yellow butterfly, as I was attempting to still my spirit to face a day that came with such weight, provided a serene peace.

There is hope, there is joy, and there is the promise of a future. 

There is life, there is peace, and there is good to come. 

Grandparents

I have the privilege of something most don't and it is not something I take lightly.

I know it is rare but I am blessed to say that all four of my grandparents are still living. 

They have been a large part of my life and the older I get, the more I value the gift of time with them. I get sentimental thinking about their farms, the stories of days gone by, and of material things they value. 

So, I make it a point when I go to visit to bring along my camera.

Because I know that someday these times will be memories.

Someday, I want to be able to share with my grandchild like they have shared with me. 

To tell about how much life has changed or about secret family recipes or about the lessons taught to me. I want to share about my times with them and how much they (and grandma's cooking) meant to me. 

And my siblings, they have come to really love that I bring my camera along.

And since they love it so, I am nice enough to allow them pose for photos too!

I am not really sorry for making them join in my picture taking fun...someday they will thank me.

Concluding Year 28

It is my birthday and perhaps my most favorite birthday of all.

Sure my 16th and 21st felt huge at the time because they brought new found freedom 

(although for the record I was the dd on my 21st...safety first friends!) but this is perhaps my most favorite for no other reason than because it came.

I can easily remember this time last year feeling like life would never go on.

I was empty and broken and yet hadn't even learned that there was more to endure. I was struggling to figure out how to feel 'normal' or 'whole' in the face of death and grief. No matter what I did, nothing ever seemed to feel right. I suppressed my pain to avoid saddening others and because openly talking about death was taboo. And dealing with the reality of  life was unbearable.  I cried every morning as I got out of bed, each time I was alone in my car, in the shower, behind my sunglasses as I walked the neighborhood, and each night as I tossed and turned in bed.

I could not foresee ever feeling anything but broken again.

I was in a deep, dark place with an expressionless face and void of emotion.

In my brothers words, "I had become a shell."

I can remember looking at myself in the mirror one day and not recognizing the reflection.  All I could see was emptiness in my eyes.

 

It was in that moment that I told myself that it was time to start fighting.

To dive in head first, face the pain, and deal with each and every emotion as they came.

I had no idea what that meant but I knew if I didn't fight, 29 may never come.

And so evolved my 'Year 28 bucket list'...a list of things to strive for in my year of grief. It was filled with dreams I thought might help to rebuild my spirit and to honor my Addy. And it came with a promise to give myself grace even if all boxes remain unchecked at the end of the year.

In total, 9 boxes made it onto my bucket list. 

And today, as I turn 29, every last one has been checked.

This isn't a moment where I am looking for kudos or praise. 

I share because I want you all to know there is hope. 

In the same year that every box got checked...after having just spent the preceding year preparing for death while pregnant, giving birth and helplessly watching her pink skin fade as she slipped from this life to the next, sitting in the front of a church to celebrate one whom I will forever mourn, and healing a body that naturally went into momma mood post delivery...after having just endured that year, year 28 also brought a painful day of sitting on the stair of my home and watching as he carried his belongings to his car and then standing in the garage as he drove off to another life. In year 28, a series of lies that tainted everything I believed to be true unraveled and I found myself sitting in a court room, raising my right hand ending what I wholeheartedly believed was my forever. And year 28 brought the painful task of separating all that we had worked so hard to build while hitting every milestone and holiday absent of my intended role as a wife and mother.

 Year 28 brought very dark days. Days where I sat in my car, pounding the steering wheel while screaming about how unfair life can be.  Or days where with all my might I would wail on a punching bag leaving my hand blistered or bleeding. There were days when I literally collapsed on the floor unable to catch my breath through the sobbing of brokenness. And even days when I found myself asking for forgiveness after projecting all the hurt within me upon someone else. Those days were real and they still are. But, today as I turn 29, I can attest that through it all, hope is alive.

So let me take a moment to say, if you find yourself hurting from whatever life has lavished on you...death, an unfulfilled dream, unimaginable pain, a new diagnosis or ongoing fight, betrayal, destruction, or devastation...whatever it is, no matter how big or small, know this...there is a plan and that plan promises hope {Jeremiah 29:11}. It is what I have clung to over and over and over this year. 

And that hope is why I celebrate today. 

It has sustained, encouraged, and motivated me through my fight.

And it exist for you too.

Because we are worthy.

Know that.

-----

 Year 28 was a lion and a lamb.

 Through the devastation, good came too.

This 'Year 28 Bucket List' made me feel alive and accomplished even when all was collapsing around me. But I could not have done it alone so before I share the list, I want to say thank you to my family, friends, co-workers, fellow mommas at Alexandra's House, and my very dear counselor. This inner core prayed for me, encouraged and supported me, grieved and healed with me, and loved me through the darkest. So, know that as I share my checked boxes that it was not accomplished alone.

Year 28 Bucket List:

1. Visit one of my very best friend and her husband (whom I adore) in Portland.

Since they moved three years ago, I have been planning to visit but never actually booked. Though planned several weeks in advance, I landed on the doorstep of my dear friend just a week after learning of the affair. It was a much needed escape and I could never tell them how appreciative I was for their support at such a broken time.

2. Take a photography class.

I have always been interested in photography but never actually pursued it as a hobby until this year. So I didn't just take one class, I actually took two! One was an online class and the other was a one-on-two session with my friend Michelle (at the camera shop owned by her family).

3. Get a tattoo.

Check! 

You read that right, I got inked. I am just as surprised as you.

I actually went in alone for what I thought was a consultation...you know to discuss the design, ensure every thing is sterile, and talk myself out of actually going through with it...and left an hour later with a permanent reminder of my beloved. It makes me smile each time I see it. 

4. Drop the baby weight.

I am and have always been a comfort eater but I knew even the best mashed potatoes and chocolate cake were not going to heal my heart. So instead, I committed myself to what I termed "mind, body, and spiritual healing" and began by cutting out processed foods and refueling my weary self with fresh veggies, fruit, and protein. A paleo-ish approach, lots of boxing (which doubled as my anger therapy), and eventually running and I can say the baby weight plus some is gone. To me though it is not about the numbers, I feel healthier than ever.

5. Paint my room.

It started out simply to paint but ended up being a complete redo. The bedroom was a series of hand-me-down furniture and builders beige walls (I will spare you the before pictures but it was bad). I had a small budget so I had to get creative but I wanted everything to be replaced so that what was once ours would just be mine...down to the blinds! Thanks to the help of my sisters, I love my new room. 

6. Hold a party on Addy's first birthday.

Addy had a really special 'You Are My Sunshine' themed birthday party. 

She is so deeply loved.

7. Complete a 5K (which required me to start running).

With the help of my running buddy, we did it!

8. Literally climb a mountain.

I figured since I felt like I was climbing one, I might as well actually climb a mountain. 

The Girl's Trip to Rocky Mountain National Park allowed me to check that box off! 

9. Commit to an Operation Smile Mission. 

Afraid to fail, I added 'commit' instead of 'complete' a mission to the list but much to my surprise, I was given the most amazing opportunity to journey with Operation Smile to the Philippines. Typically it takes over a year to be assigned a first mission so when they called and told me about the trip to the Philippines in June...less than one month before my birthday...the tears began. I think I asked the lady several times if she meant "this June" and if that would mean "I would be 28." Never would I have believed how it all played out but I am so amazed that it did. My time in the Philippines will be with me forever. 

What a year. What a year indeed.
Through the good and the less than, hope was alive and well.

Praise Jesus that He can make all things new. 

Here is to turning 29...