Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep and Sevenly...

Have you heard of  Sevenly?

If not, you should check it out because this week Sevenly is supporting an organization near and dear to me. For every shirt or product purchased from Sevenly, a portion of the funds will go to help support Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDTS).

NILMDTS was founded in 2005 by parents just like me who were left with photos and an empty heart after the passing of their infant son.  The organization, "trains, educates, and mobilizes professional quality photographers to provide beautiful heirloom portraits to families facing the untimely death of an infant." The photographers are volunteers, the services are free to the families, and currently NILMDTS is in all 50 states, 40 countries, and comprised of over 11,000 volunteers. Simply amazing.

Proudly displayed throughout my home are the NILMDTS photographs of my Addalyn taken by Diana. Diana is a local photographer who began volunteering for NILMDTS after experiencing her own heartache. 

After my water unexpectedly broke, Diana was contacted and she arrived at the hospital shortly after Addy's birth. She was armed with her camera and so delicately and loving captured every ounce of my daughter. 

Each and every picture (and I have hundreds) 

is a treasure and they bring me unexplainable joy.

 

 

I will forever be grateful to Diana and to Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.

 

Feeling

Every time I see my counselor, her first question is always, "Aly, how are you?"

My initial response is always a standard,  "I am good."

She waits a few seconds and follows by saying, "How are you really?"

Sometimes the tears start flowing, sometimes the anger creeps up, and sometimes I am so numb that I don't even know how I am. But for the first time last week, before she even had the chance to utter her follow-up question, I responded "and I think for the first time in a really long time, I mean it."

She looked at me with a smile and the tears welled up in my eyes. 
There were days when I didn't know if I would ever get to a point when I would be able to say that I feel "good." But last week I did and even as I type those words, the tears well thinking about how that feels.

I don't know if it is because the divorce is behind me or because all of the components that constituted our life together have been separated. I don't know if it is because our bedroom has been completely redone into an oasis for me or because the last of his left behind things have found a new home. 

I don't know if it is because it is April and I made it through the first of every milestone without my beloved. Or if it is because of the amazing ways in which my family and friends have kept Addy's memory alive and celebrated her most precious life throughout the year. 

I don't know if it is because of the testimonies that I heard at Hope Spoken or my renewed understanding that my faith, which I have admittedly struggled with over the years, is the foundation of who I am.

I don't know if it is because the sun is shining and the weather is getting warm or because I have enrolled in a photography class, got my very first library card and having taken up reading, because I streamlined my social media outlets, signed up for my first 5k, or because I am planning out my soon to be planted garden.

I don't know what it is but last week, for the first time I truly felt good.
I felt as if my outward expression matched my inner self.

 I know the grief cycle well. 
I know as it spins, my spirit fluctuates with the ebb and flow and my emotions waver. 
So, I want to document last week. The week where I felt good, where I felt strong, and where I felt hopeful.

It is a feeling that I was not sure would ever come and I want to embrace it. 
 

Reflecting on Hope Spoken

I went not knowing anyone and without expectations and walked away overwhelmed by the depth and richness of God at work. 

Everyone has a story. Mine is a story of loss paralleled with betrayal.  Some have stories from their past and some uncertainty in their future. Some have stories of triumph or joy and some of pain or struggle. Regardless of what it is, everyone has a story. 

Gathering with other women who are willing to strip down to the core and share their inner most joy, struggles, triumph, or failures is freeing. From the words of my 20 year old sister, "For some reason we equate brokenness with weakness or imperfection, but really our brokenness is where God is complete.  When we share our lives with people it opens up completely different relationships and draws us nearer to each other and ultimately to our God."  Amen sister. 

That is what Hope Spoken was for me. The opportunity to hear other people share, to build each other up, and to be reminded of the richness of the one who can redeem.

I came home feeling ready. 

Ready to heal, to surrender areas of hurt that I continued to harbor, and ready to overhaul the distractions in my life so that I can hear, that I can focus, and that I can allow God to work. 

To Him, I am worthy. To Him, I am loved. To Him, I am enough.

You Are My Sunshine

Addalyn's 1st birthday was March 19th.
To celebrate, I planned a small birthday party in her honor.

There were proud grandparents, great grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends. 

 There was laughter, tears, and joy as her life was remembered through words and pictures.

There were fresh flowers, cookies, cheesecakes, and cupcakes. 

There were, much to my surprise and amazement, hundreds of books collected to bless other families who experience loss and to carry on Addalyn's memory (a goal of $1,000 was set and I am so humbled to say that the goal was met).

There were lanterns sent sailing into the sky as the familiar words of  "Happy Birthday" were sung. 

And, there was one overjoyed momma at the celebration of her beloved daughter. 

Oh Addalyn, you my child are deeply loved.

To the moon and back. 

-----

A most heartfelt thank you to wonderful staff at Shoal Creek Golf Course and to my dear friend Diana from Switch Focus Studios. Diana did our maternity photo session, captured the beautiful photos that I have of my Addalyn on the day of her birth, and took all the photos above from Addy's first birthday party. Diana, a fellow grieving momma, will always hold a special place in my heart.

April

I made it. 

I have been longing for April.

The warmer weather, the beginning of spring, life in growth of the plants.  

But really, April means that I made it through the first of everything without my Addalyn. 

My first Mother's Day, her first Christmas, the anniversary of all the pregnancy milestones, and her first birthday. 

It wasn't always pretty. 

There were many tears and lots of heartache.

 But, it is April and I made it. 

Hope Spoken was the prefect way to end the month of March. 

I went not knowing what to expect but following that little tug within me. 

And I walked away feeling refreshed, encouraged, and ready.

Ready for what? 

I am not really certain but I am ready to simply allow God to work.

 

Hope Spoken

I think I am an introvert.

I get anxious in large crowds, clam up when talking to new people, and really prefer to hang out with people in small groups. I like having a plan, a list, and naturally my comfort zone.

So driving 10 hours with someone whom I have never actually met, sharing a hotel room with one I have only communicated with via email, and attending a conference with hundreds of other women isn't exactly an introvert thing to do. I am pushing myself out of my comfort zone because I am just so certain that this is where I am supposed to be. I am excited about the opportunity to attend the first ever Hope Spoken Conference. Hope Spoken is a weekend designed to, "rest and feel His love, to lay burdens and hurts down, and feel His grace."

I first read about the conference in March of 2013. I was pregnant at the time and so unsure of what was to come that I didn't think twice about going. Over the course of last few months, I kept seeing the conference being talked about on several blogs I follow and some of my favorite IG feeds. Over and over it would pop up. It was as if I was being summoned to go.

The tickets had long been sold out but I couldn't quiet the voice in my head. I sent a quick email to see if there was a waiting list and in return, I received an email saying that someone had to back out and there was a ticket for me. In a matter of days, I had a roadtrip crew and a roommate...none of which I have ever met. I do not know anyone going but am so ready to be filled.

It is outside of my box...like really outside of my box but I am ready. 

2014 is my year of mind, body, and spiritual healing so Hope Spoken, here I come!

Addy's Birthday Week...

It was a year ago today that I sat in the front of a church for Addalyn's memorial service.

It was suggested that I record the service given that I was sorta in a fog and I found it to be a very strange suggestion at the time. I could not imagine myself rewatching the memorial service. But, I can tell you that I have so many times. It was a very beautiful and heartfelt service and rewatching it is oddly comforting to me.

 

It is hard to believe that it was one year ago that she came into and left this world. 

In some regards in seems like yesterday but in others it seems like a lifetime ago.

 

She was well celebrated this week. 

And, not one thing went unnoticed...I saved every card, printed every email, and screen shot every text to add them to Addy's scrapbook.  

I want to always remember all the love she (and I) received. 

Knowing that my Addy was remembered and well celebrated during the week of her first birthday warmed my heart. I am deeply grateful and truly blessed by the love and support. But deep within me, there is so much emptiness. When there were no more cookies to bake, cupcakes to decorate, or planning to do, the reality that she wouldn't physically experience her first birthday hurt. I miss her so much. 

When all is quiet, the tears flow thinking about how life should be. 

Celebrating Addy

My heart overflows with all the ways in which my Addalyn was remembered and honored on her first birthday.  She is so deeply loved and missed.

I spent the wee hours of the morning on her first birthday with Addy's daddy. While we are no longer married, we have a child whom we adore and will always celebrate together.

At a later time, I will share about Addy's "You Are My Sunshine" themed first birthday party which was held the evening of 3.19.2014.

It was at her party, that I learned of some behind the scene work that my family and friends had orchestrated.  I am in awe of the way that they have created for Addy's memory and love for story time to be carried on to other families expecting very special babies. They created a Virtual Book Drive through First Book to purchase children's books which will be donated to families supported by Alexandra's House. In my living room, I have hundreds of books ready to be given out.  What an amazing tribute to my precious daughter.  

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

You can learn more about the book drive by following the link...

http://supporters.firstbook.org/goto/addy

Happy 1st Birthday Addalyn Lane

Dear Addy,

I know it sounds cliche to say, but it seems impossible that an entire year has passed since the day you were born. I have envisioned the moment that I would give birth to my first born child long before you were in my womb. That moment when I first laid eyes on you was more than I could have ever prepared myself for. You were simply perfect…a true miracle indeed. Your head full of hair, your soft skin, your round cheeks, your long fingers and toes, my nose and my chin, your oh so special lip, and your perfect little eyes.

My greatest fear melted away and I rejoiced in my answered prayer as I looked into those eyes.  The stress of the pregnancy, the fear of the reality, and the worry for that moment faded.  I was given the opportunity to look you in the eyes and tell you how much your momma loves you. Oh Addy, words will never be enough to capture the depth of my love for you.

With the growth of my tummy, with every kick, every wiggle, every twist and turn, with each time I rubbed my belly or saw you on the screen, with every chat we had, every book we read, or song I sang to you, our bond grew. But in that moment of your birth, I was forever changed. A love that I have never experienced washed over me as you laid upon my chest.  As I felt your heart beating against mine, I knew that nothing could ever take back that moment. You existed. 

Addalyn I want you to know the impact that your life has had. You are remembered, not just by those who have gathered to celebrate you, but by so many who never had the opportunity to meet you. You are talked about, your pictures proudly displayed, and traditions rearranged all to honor your memory. I feel your presence and your absence too in a physical burn in my chest. I know that you are always with me.  And you always will be until we are reunited again.

Addy, you fulfilled a dream of mine by making me a momma. From the day I found out I was pregnant, I simply could not be more proud to be your momma. You have taught me the precious nature of life, a depth of love I had never before experienced, and a new found hope in forever until we meet again. What joy you have and always will bring to my life.

With every day that passes, I hope you know how deeply you are missed and how genuinely loved you are.  And today, on your first birthday, I hope you know how celebrated you are.   

Happy first birthday my little sunshine.

I love you to the moon and back,

Your Momma

In preparation for the day I would meet my daughter, we had weekly appointments and close to 15 ultrasounds. Everything that could be planned in advance was. I was meticulous as to ensure that every detail was well thought out and what was best for Addy was always the focus. As meticulous as I was, I never considered the possibility that my water could break. We were planning to be induced (at the recommendation of my medical team) so it never crossed my mind that I would spontaneously go into labor.   

 It was one year ago that my water unexpectedly broke.



Hidden beneath that smile and those tear swollen eyes was fear. 

Fear of physically enduring labor. 
 But more so, fear of emotionally enduring what was to come.

Regardless of the number of appointments or the number of conversations discussing Addy's life, there was no way to prepare myself to face life and death in the same moment.

Even today, I would be without the words to adequately prepare myself.