Happy 1st Birthday Addalyn Lane

Dear Addy,

I know it sounds cliche to say, but it seems impossible that an entire year has passed since the day you were born. I have envisioned the moment that I would give birth to my first born child long before you were in my womb. That moment when I first laid eyes on you was more than I could have ever prepared myself for. You were simply perfect…a true miracle indeed. Your head full of hair, your soft skin, your round cheeks, your long fingers and toes, my nose and my chin, your oh so special lip, and your perfect little eyes.

My greatest fear melted away and I rejoiced in my answered prayer as I looked into those eyes.  The stress of the pregnancy, the fear of the reality, and the worry for that moment faded.  I was given the opportunity to look you in the eyes and tell you how much your momma loves you. Oh Addy, words will never be enough to capture the depth of my love for you.

With the growth of my tummy, with every kick, every wiggle, every twist and turn, with each time I rubbed my belly or saw you on the screen, with every chat we had, every book we read, or song I sang to you, our bond grew. But in that moment of your birth, I was forever changed. A love that I have never experienced washed over me as you laid upon my chest.  As I felt your heart beating against mine, I knew that nothing could ever take back that moment. You existed. 

Addalyn I want you to know the impact that your life has had. You are remembered, not just by those who have gathered to celebrate you, but by so many who never had the opportunity to meet you. You are talked about, your pictures proudly displayed, and traditions rearranged all to honor your memory. I feel your presence and your absence too in a physical burn in my chest. I know that you are always with me.  And you always will be until we are reunited again.

Addy, you fulfilled a dream of mine by making me a momma. From the day I found out I was pregnant, I simply could not be more proud to be your momma. You have taught me the precious nature of life, a depth of love I had never before experienced, and a new found hope in forever until we meet again. What joy you have and always will bring to my life.

With every day that passes, I hope you know how deeply you are missed and how genuinely loved you are.  And today, on your first birthday, I hope you know how celebrated you are.   

Happy first birthday my little sunshine.

I love you to the moon and back,

Your Momma

In preparation for the day I would meet my daughter, we had weekly appointments and close to 15 ultrasounds. Everything that could be planned in advance was. I was meticulous as to ensure that every detail was well thought out and what was best for Addy was always the focus. As meticulous as I was, I never considered the possibility that my water could break. We were planning to be induced (at the recommendation of my medical team) so it never crossed my mind that I would spontaneously go into labor.   

 It was one year ago that my water unexpectedly broke.



Hidden beneath that smile and those tear swollen eyes was fear. 

Fear of physically enduring labor. 
 But more so, fear of emotionally enduring what was to come.

Regardless of the number of appointments or the number of conversations discussing Addy's life, there was no way to prepare myself to face life and death in the same moment.

Even today, I would be without the words to adequately prepare myself.

Back To The Zoo

...March 16, 2013...

I was 35 weeks and 2 days pregnant when we opted to take Addy to the zoo.

{ This was my very last maternity picture taken prior to my water breaking. }

Today, exactly one year later, I went back to the zoo to honor Addy's memory.

 
I hope she knows how loved and deeply missed she is. 
This momma will forever celebrate her. 

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And a very special thank you to these two. 

When I asked them to go with (in 33 degree weather with a wintry mixed), they didn't hesitate.
I am overjoyed by their love and support.

Bad Days

Thank you.

Thank you for the out pour of love, support, and encouragement.

 I am beyond touched and humbled by the number of people who cared enough to read my story. And even more so by  the number of people who have committed to pray for me. Thank you, thank you, thank you. 

I do want you to know that I have bad days. 

I have days where I am consumed with an intense feeling of anger.

I have days when I feel so deeply wounded that the tears will not cease.

I have days when the loss is so profound that I fear I will never feel whole again.

I have days when I want to pull the covers up over my head and hide from the reality that is my life.

Bad days...they are real. 

On bad days, I battle the voice in my head that tells me I am not worthy.

The voice that tells me I am not good enough, not good enough to be a mom and not good enough to be a wife. On bad days, the questions of how and why overtake my spirit.

I am far from perfect but every morning I look into the mirror and command myself to march on. I am not embarrassed to say that I still see a counselor regularly. She has been instrumental in helping me to face life. I would pay her every week just to hear her say that I am doing really well given the "simultaneous yet unrelated grief cycles" that I am trying to navigate.  It would be easier to numb the feelings with an escape of choice...food, alcohol, spending, over commitment. But numbing is only temporary and eventually the high will fade. What is harder is to fight back. To fight against that voice in your head, to face life when it is hard, and to march on even when doing so hurts.

Someday, I want to breathe in deep and feel, in the pit of my soul, that all is well. 

To forgive and be set free begins with laying down my stones.

The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery.  In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?”  They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”  Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”

 “No one, sir,” she said.

“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.” 

John 8:3-11

I laid down my stones.
I laid them down knowing that my God whom was nailed to the cross for the forgiveness of my sins, had His blood shed for the forgives of his sins too.

I lay down my stones and remind myself every morning that God has a plan for me.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”   Jeremiah 29:11

Being Authentic

  It's March 1st. 
I want my month of March to be about my daughter and honoring her memory. 
To do that though, I need to get something off my chest. 
Something I have been harboring for quite some time. 

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I have written and rewritten this post several times.

It is difficult for me to share.

I started blogging years ago when we were newly married and had just purchased our first place. I wanted to document our journey to make our new house into a home. After we learned of the challenges of our pregnancy, my blog became a way to keep our families up to date on Addy’s prognosis and it became a form of therapy for me as I navigated the ups and downs. I want it to be a way to ensure that my Addalyn is remembered but also a way for me to heal.

I believe that there will come a time when the words that I type will be words of joy, happiness, and triumph but that is just not where my life is at the present.

I struggle to share the reality of me because opening up makes the present more real. And the reality is not one I have fully come to terms with.

And, I struggle to share my hurt after the pain that my journey has brought to those who love me already this year. I know that my family and friends were affected by the passing of my beloved daughter and they too are working through the grief. So, sharing my current struggle is difficult for me as I feel like I am adding to the pain for so many who have faithfully loved and supported me throughout this most difficult year.

But I desire to be real, genuine, and authentic.

It is not easy to share but I can tell you that life is not easy.

As if my pregnancy, the loss of my beloved daughter, and my grief in her absence was not enough for one year, my already broken heart has been enduring more.

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We started dating on my 16th birthday...7.1.2001.

On 7.26.2008, we said our vows and made a forever promise to each other. I love him and I believed in our marriage to the core of my being.

Last week, I sat before a judge and what I believed to be my forever, legally came to an end. Our marriage ended in divorce because the vows of honesty and faithfulness were broken.

 

I learned of his affair in September but I was not in a place where I was ready to share. Honestly, I am still not sure I am ready but each time I get an email/text/or letter of well wishes addressed to us or get asked how “we” are, I cringe. I yearn to be authentic and true to where I am in my life. But, I knew just saying that I was going through a divorce would never suffice. It would not be enough because the first place that your mind would wonder to would be that our marriage ended in divorce because the grief was too much or because our marriage could not overcome the death of our daughter.  My beloved daughter is innocent and this momma needs her to be protected. She had nothing to do with the demise of my marriage so she will not be assumed to be the cause nor will she ever be blamed. I do know that grief is hard…I am living it. And, I do know that the death of a child can take a toll on a marriage but the choices were his.  He began his affair knowing that we were pregnant and before we knew of any complications with our Addalyn’s development. My Addalyn is wanted, she is deeply loved, and she is inexplicably missed. I can assure you, it will continue to be my life's work to ensure that she is not forgotten.

I am devastated, sad, and hurt. At times, I am even angry.

But, it is not my place to judge or condemn. I believe that we will all be held accountable for the lives we lived. When my time comes to be reunited with my Addalyn, I want to stand before the Creator and hear him say, “well done my good and faithful servant.” Well done, not because I have achieved perfection or lived an extraordinary life. But, well done because I have trusted God has a plan for me and despite the overwhelming pain and heartache that I have endured this year, I have tried to faithfully trust that God is in control.  So I won’t harbor anger or even hate. By His grace, there will come a season when the hurt will cease.

So, it has just been me.  The child and the hubby whom I should rise to every morning and cuddle up with every night are simply no longer present. It has just been me, me and a long road of healing as I have been navigating the first of every milestone without my child and the first of everything in 12 years that I have not had him by my side. It has been a lot to bear. There is longing for my daughter and for my groom and an emptiness in their absence.

As I have prayed so many times over the last year, I continue to pray for the peace that surpasses all understanding (Philippians 4:7). 

May He continue to mend my broken heart and transcend my weary spirit.

Do You Have Kids?

I did something that I told myself I would never do. 

In a moment of panic,  I denied my daughter's existence.

I was at work and caught up in a conversation with a family.

When I was asked if I had any children, in an instant a word came out of my mouth.

I responded, "um, um, no."

Visions of my Addalyn flooded my head as a weight dropped on my chest. 

Instant guilt and pain set in. I didn't mean to deny her. 

I know she was, she is, and she will forever be my daughter.

When asked, I do not respond "yes" because of the questions that follow.

Boy or girl? What is her name? How old is she?

Those questions sting.

My usual response is, "I do not have any living children."

I have never been asked in response, "well how many deceased children do you have?"

It is a direct answer that does not need any explanation nor does it deny her life.

I was caught off guard, panicked, and instantly regretted my response.

I have one child and I am her very proud momma. 

To the moon and back.

Facelift

Awe, it feels like I can breathe a little better. 

Sookie Jane received a little facelift because I craved less clutter and more simplicity in my life.  It went from this...

To a more simple and clean layout...

2014 is a year of mind, body, and spiritual healing for me.

It is a year of new beginnings and change.

And change started with an overhaul of Sookie Jane.

  

Check that off the to-do list!

What to Say to a Grieving Parent

I am rarely on Facebook but today I did log in and I saw this article trending. 

I found it to be pretty spot on. I share because I feel like it is a good reference for those who have friends that have lost a child and just don't know what to say to them. 

http://stillstandingmag.com/2014/01/6-things-never-say-bereaved-parent/ 

Reflecting

I have been on a bit of a sabbatical from blogging as of late.

Thank you to those of you who continue to check in, I am grateful for your support.

When the time is right, I will share where I am in my life.

In the meantime, I once again am reflecting on were I was a year ago today.
It was a year ago that we met with the fetal health team at Children's Mercy. 
 It was one of the most difficult days of my pregnancy. 

You can read my reflection after the appointment by clicking here. 

One Year Ago

There are very specific dates over the course of my pregnancy that I think will always be engrained into my memory. One of those days was the day that I went for the MRI...December 27, 2012. The sounds, the inability to move, the sweat running down my back, and a pure nervousness for what could possible be revealed...I remember it like it was yesterday.

You can reread my thoughts following the MRI by clicking here.

I vividly remember the conversation that I had with the perinatologist that day. I was about to walk out of work when he called. I remember what I was wearing, where I sat, and who was in the office with me.  I remember trying to write as fast as I could on a series of post-it notes. I could tell in his voice that Addy's prognosis was not good. I could hear his genuine and heartfelt concern. After explaining all the anomalies, he explained how he called every hospital in the nation that offer experimental in utero surgeries for babies with right sided diaphragmatic hernias.  None of the hospitals would accept our case but I was touched by his efforts. 

That conversation changed me.

I refused to give up hope but my momma instinct was not good.

Christmas 2013

I have always loved Christmas.

The lights, the carols, the decorations, the family time, and the birth of the savior.

But this year I didn't decorate my house. I just wasn't feeling the joy of the season.

But, I didn't want my Addy to think that she was not being remembered during the holiday season. So, I bought a couple of ornaments and made a few more and the only decor in my home this season is Addy's Tree.

And, I carried on a family tradition from my childhood.

Every year until I was well into my college years, we went to Crown Center at Christmas to see Santa. It was one of those traditions that I didn't appreciate as a child but long to carry on with my family.

I rehearsed what I was going to say over and over in my head, grabbed a picture of my Addalyn, and went to see Santa at Crown Center. I handed the picture to the man dressed in the red suit and asked him if he would take a photo with my daughter on what should have been her first Christmas. He smiled at me as I tried not to cry and told me, "Christmas is about what is in the heart and you my dear will be blessed." A few tears rolled down my cheeks.  I took my picture of Addalyn back and went to pay for her photo with Santa. The nice man at the checkout said that Santa paid for the photo and wished me a Merry Christmas. And the tears started rolling. As I was walking out Santa got out of his chair, came up to me, gave me a hug, and a kiss on the cheek. "You are going to be okay my dear," he said and then he asked if he could print one of the photos for himself so that he too could remember my Addalyn this Christmas season.  My heart was over joyed. He didn't look at me strange when I asked him to take a photo with my picture of Addalyn, paid for the printing of her photo, offered me encouragement, and then asked if he too could reflect upon my Addalyn's memory this holiday season. 

My heart overflows. 

To the moon and back my beloved Addalyn.

October 15th...

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day and it would have also been Addalyn's 30th week of life. My heart was weary and overcome with pain as I drove to work today. The song "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North came on the radio and the words brought me to tears...

Let me see redemption win 

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart

That’s frail and torn

I wanna know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that’s dead inside can be reborn

Cause I’m worn

 

I have struggled with my faith over the years but I know that I alone can't overcome all the hurt. 

And I know that you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

..........

There are a lot of amazing mommas that I have met over the course of the year who have lost part of what made them whole. Whether their loss was a result of miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death, their loss is real and their grief is felt.  Thinking of them all today and everyday.

Butterflies

On a recent shopping trip, my 3 year old niece was in her own little world in the cart. 
She was making up songs about how much she "loves her mommy" and all about "riding in the cart."  As we continued to shop, I overheard her singing, "Baby Addy is flying in the sky with God and Jesus."

Proudly she continued, "I know how to swim but Baby Addy can fly!" 
And since she can fly, for Halloween, "Baby Addy is going to be a butterfly." 
Not just any butterfly, "Baby Addy is going to be the most beautiful butterfly with pink, purple, and sparkly wings."

"All little girls love sparkles," she declared!

I stood in awe.

From the mouth of a three year old, my beloved daughter is remembered. 

Portland

A much needed getaway to visit one of my dearest friends 
and her husband was long overdue.

We ate, shopped, pampered ourselves, ate, cultured ourselves at the art gallery, ate, saw a movie, went sight seeing, and ate some more.

I slept, caught up on some very educational TV shows, and relaxed. 

But mostly, I got to spend lots of quality time with one of my very best friends. 

 There was lots of laughter, conversations, tears, hugs, reminiscing, and motivational speeches.

Thank you for providing me with a much needed oasis. 

10.3.2012

I remember where and what I ate before going in.

I remember what I was wearing...the shirt, the skirt, the shoes, and the earrings.

I remember being so elated at the thought of hearing the heartbeat for the first time. 

Everything was so normal that morning but so quickly it all changed.

I was 12 weeks pregnant and I went in for a routine appointment. 

I had my phone out ready to record the heartbeat when my OB struggled to find it.

Knowing I was anxious that she was unable to hear the heart tones, we walked across the hall to the ultrasound room. Tears began to roll down my cheek as I quickly heard the lub-dub. The ultrasound tech continued to click and zoom on the monitor and then said she wanted to grab our OB. I tried not to panic but the look on her face caught me off guard. When I close my eyes, I can see them both standing before the ultrasound monitor and nodding. Something looked "concerning" but they would not elaborate. They moved us to a different room while they made several calls. 

I bawled.

We drove around the corner to the perinatologist office and checked in. 

I was so frustrated that they were asking routine admission questions...what is your primary language, highest level of education, emergency contact...grr! I just wanted to know what was wrong not answer a million and one questions about myself.

Finally, we were taken to the ultrasound room. I crawled on the table and exposed my belly. There was a large wall mounted TV across from us and I watched as the ultrasound tech did the scan. The baby was so small that it was difficult to tell what she was looking at.  She didn't say anything. 

Fairly quickly, the perinatologist came in the room and without hesitating she said the baby had a cystic hygroma. 

I had no idea what that was or what that meant. I think I stopped listening because I was so overwhelmed. We were moved to a conference room where we met with a genetics counselor. She talked about our family history, chromosome abnormalities, genetic syndromes, percentages, probability, termination, and on and on and on. I don't operate well under possibilities, I needed clear answers so I opted for an immediate CVS. After the procedure was complete, we walked out of the hospital with the wind out of our sails. 

I called my mom as we drove away and through my sobbing I told her "something is wrong with the baby." She kept asking "what" but I could not answer because I had no idea. 

We went in for a regular appointment expecting to hear the heartbeat for the first time but left four hours later depleted and terrified of the unknown. 

It was as if I had been mixed up with someone else. 

It was surreal.


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Also, 

I am not in a good place in my life. 

I am not ready to elaborate but the same verse keeps coming to me....

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”   - Jeremiah 29:11

 I am not good at asking for help

 but, if you would, would you keep me in your prayers. 

 

 

Part of me was not sure I was ready, but a bigger part of me longed to go.

To see the people who helped to guide my pregnancy.

To say thank you to those who supported and encouraged me during the ups and downs.

To be in the presence of those who helped to bring Addalyn into this world.

To see those who tenderly cared for me during my moments of greatest need. 

To go back to the only physical place where my daughter ever was.

I needed this.

To celebrate what would have been Addy's first half birthday, I went back to again say thank you to the physicians, nurses, counselors, coordinators, and technicians who took my heartbreaking situation and helped me make it through.  

I will be forever grateful.